Scorpion's Agnomen Abyss

"One I'm sure of, is your ability, to become my perfect enemy"

2005-07-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

Your face is burned inside my brain
I lost my way
Your taste of stale flows through my veins
The cost of hate
‘Cause you’ll never understand me
You want me to stay

You’re c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you
I’m not listening anymore
You’re subject to falling but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore

The race of slowing down the pain, I found a way
The pace of speaking so mundane, the sound of gain
But you’ll never make me happy
So I’ve extinguished the flame

You’re c-c-c-calling, but I cant hear you
I’m not listening anymore
You’re subject to falling, but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore

And what you want me to say I’ll never say
You’re playing the game that I’ll never play
So what do you want from me?
Now I’ve extinguished the flame

Your c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you
I’m not listening anymore
You’re subject to falling but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore

You’re c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you, I’m not listening anymore
You’re f-f-f-falling, but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore

Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
Now we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
I'll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too

[CHORUS]

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all that I'll be
Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And I'll that I'll be

[CHORUS]

That's enough of that bullshit. Who am I kidding? I might have been sad, but now I think...yeah, I'm fine with being whatever emotion I am. At least it reminds me that, I'm still human. So what to say...what to say...Obviously there's nothing to say. lol. I'm doing pretty good, my friends...they're happy, most of them. Maybe not with eachother, but hopefully with themselves. And if not...what can I say?

Get used to the pain,
grow accustom to the sorrow,
things won't get better,
just as long as you're not hollow.

;) That is all for now. Next...to make myself happy, make someone else happy, try and mend what was once broken.

Higfhlight of Today: Well...*shrugs* you got me. Probably hanging out with Jesse. That was fun, and took away the cold for a little while. Only one other person who's done that for me.

DL Rec.:
Disturbed's Stricken
Disturbed's Guarded
Taproot's Calling
Taproot's Facepeeler

Another night again
Another journey without friends
Another fight to wish away the loneliness I live

Another circus show
Another face that I don’t know
Another night of people asking what I have to give

I thought that I would drown
But it’s okay right now

[Chorus:]
No one knows the way I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am [2x]

The fire grows inside
The feeling cannot be denied
And everywhere I turn the size of guys they push me

And all has fallen down
But it’s okay right now

[Chorus:]
No one knows the way I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am

And everything seems great and everyone is fake
No one really knows you
Look into their eyes
Rip off your disguise
Let them see the real you

[Chorus:]
No one knows the way I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am [2x]

The Sands of Time

What do I have to prove?
Is it my life I’m wasting?

The sands of time slip through my hands,
Forever lost, eternally gone.
The Present is the past.
And the past is the future.

Why can’t I stay in one time?
The past haunts me while the future beckons me.
I am the only one who believes that my hourglass has died.
And too much time is going by.

These future images are killing my suspense.
Why must I live like this?

Every waking moment worrying about my present.
From full moon to a crescent.
I always fail because I am waiting for something unknown.

And this is my life.
Who says I have to like it?

My tears moisten the grains of sand.
And my blood brings them to life.

For this once in awhile, I feel as if I am happy,
I feel like this is when I belong.

I wish this time would stay.
But it always seems to go away, so far away…

The Spring's Song

As I walk on this narrow path,
The birds sing,
The flowers blossom.

The trees whisper,
And the creek sings.
My heart yearns for more.

So I keep walking,
Seeing old flowers dying,
And new flowers rising in their place.

From the song of birds…
To the change of color in the trees.
I love the springtime.

They all have their own verse,
To the spring Song,
And it all comes out to be a heavenly sound.

Flowers smell so nice,
They put a wonderful smell into the air.
That makes you relax,
And forget about everything that has happened in your life…

"I must hold on"

2005-07-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

Remember all the times we used to play
You were lost and I would save you
I don't think those feelings will ever fade
You were born apart of me
I was never good at hiding anything
My thoughts break me, do you understand what you mean to me?
You are my faith

Won't you cure my tragedy
Won't you cure my tragedy
Don't take her smile away from me
Shes broken and I'm far away
Won't you cure my tragedy
Won't you cure my tragedy
If you make the world a stage for me
Then I hope you can hear me scream
(Won't you cure my tragedy)

When I sit and think of the days we shared
and the nights you covered for me
Every little thing that I ever did
You would stand by me
Every time you would cry it would take my wind
My heart would break
If I could be strong like you were for me
You are my faith

Won't you cure my tragedy
Won't you cure my tragedy
Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away
If you made the world a stage for me
Then i hope that you could hear me scream

Can you hear me scream
Can you hear me scream

Won't you cure my tragedy
Won't you cure my tragedy
Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away
Won't you cure my tragedy
Won't you cure my tragedy
If you made the world a stage for me then i hope that you can hear me scream

I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
Cause my whole life I've made mistakes

Can you hear me scream
Can you hear me scream

It's been awhile since I've written...but nothing important has happened since the last time. But I've been pretty depressed and all that happy shit. I am just extremely lonely, and...I have been wanting someone I could never have. One day, I hope...for her. But until that day, I beg that hope will keep be company.

I still hang on every word
in the world of faded memories
where your still in love with me
I can see it in your eyes
you look as if your MAJOR TOM has lost control

I must hold on
This happens all the time
I still find my faith in you
I cant hold on
this happens all the time
I still find my way to you

If a dreams all that ive got
then I wish your in a fairy tale
where your still in love with me
I could see it in your eyes
the look as if your hero fell and lost his soul

I must hold on
This happens all the time
I still find my faith in you
I cant hold on
this happens all the time
I still find my way to you...

To you...
To you...
To you...

I must hold on
This happens all the time
I still find my faith in you
I cant hold on
this happens all the time
I still find my way to you

Listening To: Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Lauren and Meghan

Lamia

I am a creation of the night,
This is my one and only conclusion,
Born into servitude of the sun...
Formed by the life of reclusion

Feeding off the fear of mortals,
I live by the light of the moon,
God forsaken and cursed again,
Life depleting, Death...please arive soon.

The reaper won't do any favors,
I want to regress, or start to live,
But when I'm living in the shadows,
That's just being allowed to exist.

Destroy my wings of immortality,
If I must go through this to find happiness,
The let it become who I am,
But only if it leads me through this darkness.

I don't want to 'live' like this,
Do I have to feed off of demonic flesh?
Must this feeling return me to existance?
This is one wish granted I would never wish.

I live in the night's breath,
Although I'm awake, I'm dreaming,
The stars write my destiny's tale,
No matter what happens, my heart keeps beating.

For You...

"Grey Gem"

2005-06-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

"Trapped behind my state of mind,
I took your words and now I'm blind"

Get your tallons out of my back,
Keep then and they'll snap,
Sink them into someone besides me,
Or I'll cut them down and keep them beside me.

I'm tired of all of you determining what I feel,
My hand in the deck; my time to deal,
Feel it, push it, take this,
I'm slipping through the cracks.

I'm twisting around my hands,
Can this ever come out the I want it?
Nothing has changed, nothing ever will,
The very water of my soul is as always; still.

I've made a promise among the fallen,
I long for that time the person my heart has befallen.
I'm not speaking in tongues of the prophetic,
I am only speaking the words of the pathetic.

Can you please reveal myself to them?
Dual shadows seeking a single precious gem.
No darkness for you nor I, No light either,
A timid grey has clouded the future.

I can't see the path in front of me,
Chances are I will be the minority.
Such an angelic society to fill this void,
Such a demonic sound to cure the noise.
A hopeful siren singing her song with that mezmorising voice...

Hope; A lost cause found in this darkness,
Love; An Illusion created to give hopefullness.
With the life I hate, happiness is elligant fable,
With the breath I take, I breathe in a new fairy tale.

Taste it...nothing, The feeling of being numb,
It's scary at first...but the fear has just begun.
Feel this...Insanity, the emotion not meant for me,
It's exhilerating...yet the feeling runs unclearly.

A gem I once seeked,
Another faith that I must not keep,
A bed time story not for the weak.
I lost my mind once again,
Another epilogue crying to begin...
Switch from righteous; Bloody Sin.

"You're just a shell of vacant ruin, a portrait of myself."

2005-06-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

"And if you could make up
For every single time you lied
I'd probably whisper this
Hello, Goodbye
And so it begins again
Harder each and every time
I start to reminisce
I never seem to ever find

Someone I can trust
Someone I believe
Someone who will never try
To bring me to my knees
Someday I will find again
Someone just like me
Someone who will take the time
In understanding me

And if I could make up
For every single tear you cried
I'd probably never miss
Your hand in mine
I never could understand
Mistakes I repeat again
I've been through this so many times
I never seem to ever find

Someone I can trust
Someone I believe
Someone who will never try
To bring me to my knees
Someday I will find again
Someone just like me
Someone who will take the time
In understanding me

I've stopped searching
To take my time and completely clear my head
I believe it was meant to be
And I feel it's time to go

And if you could make up
For every single time you lied
I'd probably whisper this
I never seem to ever find

Someone I can trust
Someone I believe
Someone who will never try
To bring me to my knees
Someday I will find again
Someone just like me
Someone who will take the time
In understanding me

And never leave
And never scream
Someone who believes
Never lies to me
And would die for me"

Well it's been awhile since I've updated, like every other time I post. Well me and Jesse took a trip up to Kat's house. It was good to see Lauren, Meghan, and Kat again. And it was surprisingly good to see Lanae and Laura. Yeah, that was definitally a priceless experience. But besides that, nothing has happened...well I saw Batman Begins last night...That movie is awesome. I want to see them remake the others now. And...uh...Well this gal I know Katie is calling me and coming out to see me. Sounds strange, but it's not.

Kat seems really stressed out lately, and I can understand why with some things, but I hope she is alright and that she starts to lighten up on some things. *Shrugs*

Listening To: Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory

Highlight of the Day: Well Nothing yet.

Weekly Download: Stone Sour - Orchids

The Hate of Humanity

I don’t know you!
But would I like to…
Brake the silence.
You don’t know me!

The truth it will come out.
It is just up to you…
Do you want to believe it?

The Hate, it boils.
Like Lava within…
Starting to consume,
Rising to the skin.

I try and talk to you,
To actually try and get to know you.
But you push me away.

Break!

Loneliness overcomes me.
Hypnotizing my being.
Twisting me round and round.

Where will I stop?
Another world hopefully.
Where others care for everyone,
And let others be.

The Return

"It’s rather deceiving,
I must be sick,
Cause I’m bleeding,
I hope you’re wrong again."
Say unto me.

I’m back now to see,
How you deal this tortured memory.
I return to feel the stones again,
And see the world break down around me.

Feel the cinder kindle a flame,
See what was left of dismay.
You thought I’d gone afar.
That I had left my shattered heart.

I did not trip and fall into that hole…
Because I am still very much alive.
Enough to return and plant my seed.
And see you bloom when I arrive.

Your roots will grow deep,
Restoring me to the Throne of Power.
Open your petals, and allow the light in.
Let the change happen; flower.

"Like a Birth of a new found joy..."

2005-05-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

"She seemed dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame,
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me.

I'd do anything have her to myself,
Just to have her for myself.

Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

She is everything to me,
The unrequited dream,
The song that no one sings,
The unattainable.

She's a myth that I have to believe in,
All I need to make it real is one more reason.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.

A catch in my throat, choke,
Torn into pieces, I won't. No.
I don't want to be this but I won't let this build up inside of me (won't let this build up inside of me) x4

She isn't real.
I can't make her real.
She isn't real."

Well, It's been a strange, strange few days, over a week, maybe even two, But I don't feel like checking. Anyway, I've gone through depression again, Anger, you know...the teenage bullshit. But I'm done with it, it feels good to have the chains just fall from your limbs. It feels great to just not care about certain things anymore. And it's scary that I don't, and it's a lie when I say that I do not. So now that I don't feel anything like the things above, of course...all my friends start to feel them, and it's hard to keep their feelings from bringing me down. My heart goes out to all of them, as do my thoughts and prayers, but they know that.

Away from the sad, emotion filled stuff, some good events. I went to my Dad's...and that's where I started this whole "Transformation for the 'better'". Jesse and I should be going up to see Kat, well Jesse will be anyway. lol. But besides that, no good events for me, just strange ones and kind of flattering ones.

Listening To: Linkin Park - One Step Closer (Live)

Highlight of the Day: Nearly Finalizing our visit

Weekly DL Recomendations:
12 Stones - Photograph
Strapping Young Lad - Love
Finch - Worms Of The Earth

The Fall

I sit in the dark,
Conjuring demons of the past.

As I write my new songs,
It feels like a kindling flame within my soul.

When it gets better,
It adds fuel to the fire.

And for a split second I feel whole again,
But it will fall away.

Only to regenerate,
Into even more hate.

Unlocking my soul,
Breaking my whole.

Then I will take the blade,
Put it to my wrists.
Let the memories fade,
What have I learned…Pain is bliss.

The Growth

Seed released to grow under,
Roots breach to flow,
Spreading out; splitting bone.
Draining the ash and soot,
Those which were my blood generations ago.

With the power given to the plant,
It will rise to suck my soul,
To consume my perfect being.

Buds breach to leaves,
Twigs protude into branches,
Once was a seed that grew to this tree.
So deep within me,
Sand slips through the hour glass...instead of me bleeding

Despite the making of an inevitable decay.
Creator of feeble veins and useless fluids...
Has comanded me to venture away; I cannot stay.

"Running The Gauntlet of Life...and Death"

2005-05-13T02:12:00.000-07:00

"I hold you in like a deep breath.
Feel you like the last beautiful touch before a final rest.
I know i'll see you forever.
I want it painted black and red.

It's so beautiful to me, it's everything i see.
It's so beautiful to me, but it's nothing that i need.

And i can't taste anything less.
Every time i'm forced down.
To be with yourself, take all the blood you want.
But not from here.

It's so beautiful to me, it is everything i see.
It's so beautiful to me, but it's nothing that i need.
Not a hand, not a finger.

This is my home.
I'm dying here.
I hide in the corner.
That look on your face..."

Can't believe it's been another week since I've updated. O_O I really, really need to start posting. But, my net has been out still, hopefully it'll be back on soon. So hm...what's going on in my life...nothing good. I've been unable to get on when Lauren is, and a day I'm on all day, she is working. XD Uh...Meghan thinks I don't like talking to her. :( And what else? I called Kat today, and well...that didn't go too well. I guess I'm just not a good person to talk to on the phone.

But other than that, several things have been "going on". Jesse came over this past week and stayed over Monday-Wednesday. Longest I've ever had anyone stay over. Kat wants to meet him, so she'll con him into getting up there one way or another. *Looks at her* Don't deny it...you're a conwoman.

Listening To: Demon Hunter's I Play Dead

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Kat on the phone...Ironicly.

Weekly DL Recomendations:
Brand New Day - Brother
Weezer - Beverly Hills
The Prom Kings - Alone
Video:
Alter Bridge - Broken Wings

The Bottle

I can’t feel my legs.
As I sit here in my Bottle of Deceit.

The bottle is almost full of all the lies to myself.
Of how I always looked at myself…

So if I can remember the pain of the mind.
It will consume the hope.

But it isn’t the last of my strength.
I will try to hold on, until…

A glimmer of hope returns,
As a stray bullet goes through the side of the bottle…

The glass shatters, and the liquid is released.
And I am free.
I can now start to believe…

The Dungeon

It’s hard to see which way I turn.
I see nothing but darkness.
I can barely comprehend what lies before me.

The Pain feels so sickening,
But in turn makes me strong.
Makes my love and hate eternal

I still am confused by the remarks of the others.
Why they say what they do,
And Laugh at what they don’t understand.

The Faith of a killer has always been faint.
And he shall die the same why that he was born…
On accident.

In the Darkness of Loneliness,
You feel like Death is your friend.
And you remember the ones you abore.

The only way out is in,
Into your mind,
Into your heart of mockery and torture.

"Just a Suicide Messiah"

2005-05-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

"Is this wrong of me? I've come so far, so fast, I'm in the dark about a lot of things, Seems so real - TO ME!I'VE CONSECRATED! I WISH THAT I COULD HATE IT, I SAW MY BLOODY HANDS COME CLEAN… BEFORE MY EYES!
And I hear my wants and needs again, can you help me? And I hear a different kind again, someone stop me, And I feel the strain inside my mind, am I crazy? And I need to shed my skin, reveal this monolith within"

Well, I guess I should update. It's been almost a week. In 2 hours it will be, but oh well, Hm, what's been going on? Well, I got over that depression thingy thing. And now I'm siting here. Anyway, today I had to call my Dad and tell him I wasn't coming over this weekend cause I realized it's Mother's Day this Sunday. But besides that...eh, nope, nothing but talking to Lauren, Meghan, Kat, and Olly online. Other people too, but they aren't people! lol, j/k. No, we just don't carry a convo that well. On offline side, I wonder if me and Jesse will do anything this weekend, or...if his Mom will let him.

"The world can turn me down, but I won't turn away, I won't duck and run, cause I'm not built that way, When everything is gone, there's nothing there to fear, this world cannot bring me down, No, cause I am already here"

Listening to: Unloco - Failure

Highlight of the Day: Finally getting back my net. XD

(Note: There's so many good songs coming out and are out, I'll just put several. And sometimes I'll have a DL Link)
Weekly Download Recomendations:
Opiate of the Masses - Heaven
Taproot - Myself
Avenged Sevenfold - Beast And The Harlot

Tears

The tears can't make their way alone,
Even they need someone to blink.
I should learn to stay quiet,
I should know not to speak.

Everyone that has listened to me,
All that have taken my advice,
I have led you astray,
To myself I continued to lie.

Turn away from me...
Do not look at me with smiles.
I am the fault of of the fallen.
Broken glass; Blood escapes from the viles

And if I Blink...
What then?
Who's tears would come forth?
Can you hold me til the end?

Thank You

Thank you…
Through the times of my return,
You were there to instruct me through my burns.

No possible way to pay you back,
There is no way to really show you.
But I think you know how hard it was to go through.

You opened your ears and mind to hear what I had to say.
When all you had to do was be there to listen.
But you all had allowed me to share my visions.

I know that this is a sad way to give my thanks,
It’s a short way to show my appreciation…
But the friendship you have shown has helped along my progression.

"Pick me apart and pick up the pieces...I'M UNEVEN!"

2005-04-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

"This day could be the worst one yet, I just won't relax, can't catch my breath, I'm sick of tired of 'You'll be fine', how do you know? Will you be mine?"

Yeah, just had to let everyone...ie myself remember that yesterday was the worst day in my life. One of those days you see that death would be better then the other events of the day. I made someone close to me cry...and I made another one extremely enraged at me, and who knows when we'll talk again if at all. I wish I was emotionless, cause then I couldn't feel or give love, nor would I feel the pain of hurting someone or being hurt. I just want to say here that I am extremely sorry...with all of my heart and soul, if I could take it back, I would have the second after it happened.

"Take your time, don't live too fast, troubles will come, and they will pass, you'll find a woman, and you'll find love, but don't forget that there is a someone up above" <---Bullshit, 1. The troubles come faster then they can pass. 2. Finding someone? Pfft. Do I even have to support a reason why that's false? Well, one thing's for sure, there is someone up above, but on days like yesterday, I don't feel like he's watching.

Listening To: Shinedown - Stranger Inside

Low point of the day: I lied, days like yesterday get to have a low point...and the low point, was the fact that the day happened period.

Shadows

Darkness has always been around.
Even before the beginning of the Earth.

They beckon us,
With arms wide open.

The shadows are the souls of the dead,
Reaching out and warning us.

Some like to dwell in these shadows.
It makes them feel in some way indestructible.

I hide in these shadows…
Because I like how they hide things,
How they hide me.

But in the end,
Shadows won’t save you.

The truth is that the light will save you.
It is, and always will be more powerful then the dark.

Its blinding luminescence fills the shadows,
Destroying the dark, and brightening the world of dispair and darkness,
Making it a world of joy and light.

See

Now you see,
How hateful I can be…

The more you stay…
The less you pray.

It’s what you dread to feel the pain.
There is no more compromising,

The less you shake
The more you hate…

Now you see,
What it feels to bleed.

I never knew you,
The numbing pain never went away.

And now you surpass my misery.
You will take all of my lies,
You will keep count of all the times I cry.

Every second I feel the harm you caused,
I will cut your skin.
Cause you plan was good, but flawed.
So again, I rip your heart out from within.

"You think you're too damn good for the Killing Kind"

2005-04-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

"And the way you try, to destroy me again, You're wasting and living for no one, the way you try, to completely refuse all your lies, Feed on your nothing, you'll never live up to me! Awaken you, with a little evil inside, feed on your nothing, you'll never live up to me, I stricken you, I want to live with the lie, feed on your nothing and you'll never live up"

"Your face brings out the hate that rots me. The face of everyday that haunts me. I can't pull away my blank stare. A thousand times should prove I don't care. But hands can't steal the light that makes me. Or bring me to the fate that breaks me, I feel it crawling up my spine. But i'll cut it off before it reaches the bloodline."

Well, I just realized I haven't updated for the past 2 days. Blame Jesse, the bastard wanted to come over again. HOW DARE HE?! I've been pretty good lately. Just needed to add another entry and update the BG music. But, I have finally been able to get ahold of Bluey. :D She's been gone for awhile, now she has her net back. I'm glad about that. Hm, anything else going on in my Pseudo Life? Well, me and Kat are starting to talk more. And Lanae, is still no show.

"READY! DARKNESS COVER ME! Oh woah, I'm not ready to die girl, because of what you don't tell me, I'm not ready to walk inside of where you're taking me, Oh woah, I'm not ready die girl, because of what you don't tell me, I'm not willing to compromise THE MAN I WANT TO BE! And you get a little bit closer to changing me, you're never winning me over, you're wasting time, you get a little bit closer to changing me, you're never winning me over, you're wasting time....yeah. Leave me be."

Listening To: Disturbed - Believe

Highlight of the Day: Talking to my friends

I've decided I'm kill the Low point of the day thing, now I'll be giving weekly Rock Recomendation DLs

This Week's: In Flames' Cloud Connected

Although you've already read this poem...

Satan's Valentine

All the incidents that seemed to never happen,
I know what you did, I need an alibi
All the accidents that beg to be forgotten.
But she won't let me go, won't let me die

She's got to be the most manipulating person I know,
I know that she can't hold me down forever,
As hard as it is, I must not allow myself to follow,
Teach me to sit and wait for the right one to escape her.

She stole away everything I had in this world...
My sight, my speech, my taste, my heart,
I can still feel the cold breath on my face, I still hear the icy word,
Even when I speak her name, I can't help but shatter and fall apart.

I loathe you and your very being.
You took my wrists and bleed me dry.
I thought the dead of Winter passed to Spring,
But the tears do not flow, they still freeze when I cry.

In the pit of hell with you on my mind,
You slowly hurt me, taking your time.
My wrists were bloody from your binds.
You remain there for eternity, stay as Satan's valentine...

I will now work at getting past your boulder in my path,
I will somehow go around this tormented wall.
I sigh and speak my destined words, "At Last..."
They break the wall down in a single stroke, the shards of cement start to fall.

"...Hoping that you will call me home"

2005-04-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Well I won't be afraid, just because you don't need me, I won't be ashamed, just because you don't believe in, anything that I say now I turn and I walk away, No...I won't Fade Away"

"You speak your mind to me again, you force your words so deep within, you try to tell me how to live, but it's My Life, I find these words were never true, I've lost all my respect for you, I need to find my own way, cause it's My Life. I gotta get away, just one step away, I gotta get away....WELL I'M GONE!"

Well...here I am again. And not much has happened, like everytime I add an entry. Except I'm going to start adding more entries. So what's up...hm. My parents said that Jesse could move in if his Mom kicks him out of the house any time, I'm feeling lonely again, haven't talked to Lanae since Friday, and...Kat's depressed. The rest can be dealt with, but Kat being depressed always makes me sad. She's helped me so much, I hate seeing her like she has been lately. Another time I wish I could lift their burdens from, She'll get better, I know, she says it to me all the time, but it's the point that she isn't right now, like she deserves to be. Well, I took some more quiz things to keep my mind from going idle and getting depressed again.

Are you a good kisser?

Great Kisser (30-55 points)

Jake, you are great at kissing: passionate, stormy, sensitive etc. - you know it all. Your kisses come from your heart. You've got the right feeling as you show interest in your partner. For you it's not a competition but real feelings. Sometimes you like to experiment. You always remember that it's not the technique, the strategy or the performance that counts but to have real feelings for your dreamgirl. It's not surprising that a lot of girl's fall for you.

Pfft. Yeah right. TONS of girls fall for me. [/end sarcasm]

"And I lye awake, and I try to say, anything I can, just to ease your pain, But you hide away, where no one can see, and it's only you, you who can set you free"

"She seemed dressed in all of me, Stretched across my shame, All the torment and the pain, Leaked through and covered me, I'd do anything have her to myself, Just to have her for myself. Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, When she makes me sad. She is everything to me, The unrequited dream, The song that no one sings,The unattainable.She's a myth that I have to believe in,All I need to make it real is one more reason. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad. But I won't let this build up inside of me.I won't let this build up inside of me. I won't let this build up inside of me. I won't let this build up inside of me. A catch in my throat, choke, Torn into pieces, I won't. No. I don't want to be this but I won't let this build up inside of me, (won't let this build up inside of me) She isn't real. I can't make her real. She isn't real. I can't make her real"

Listening to: Slipknot - Vermilion

Highlight of the Day: So far, just making this, cause I'm bored as hell.

Low point of the Day: NOT talking to Lanae...*Rolls eyes* Although I don't get to talk to her that often

Rock Hard

The hard outer covering hides our pain,
We stand here like stone, like a rock.

We will not let anyone see it,
But our souls will cry out…None the less.

We will sit there,
Wanting love,

But on the outside,
We act as if nothing can bother us.

But in reality,
We are hurting…Wanting to have one second of love.

All we want is a couple moments,
But all we need is a lifetime.

Running

I again choose to run.
I have turned from the life that I used to hate.
I let the past melt away as I march on.

I don’t even feel like looking back,
For that may cause just as more grief.
Even more grief then if I were to let time stand still,
And to wait for my life to end.

I am moving on,
Never to think about a life I could have…
Or what I could have said or done.

Because it is too late now.
Nothing I could say or do could change the past.
Nothing…

The Days seem longer,
Now that I am moving on without these thoughts,
My feet are tired.

So I take a rest…
To try and get my strength to return.

But then realize that I might not be able to go on.
To keep running from this time, people, and memories.
So I turn once again to see if I can return to my life.

As I start to walk back,
I see that there are some things that you can not run from.
That you have to remember,

And it is a part in your life,
That will always be there…
And will make you remember the lesson that you have learned.

"Will they open there eyes?"

2005-04-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

"I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger, sick of you acting like I owe you this, Find another place to feed your greed, while I find a place to rest. I want to be in another place, I hate when you say you don't understand, I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy, a place for me head"

"What do I do? Do I ignore them behind me? Do I follow my instincts blindly? Do I hide my pride? From these bad dreams and give into the sad thoughts that are maddening? Do I sit here and try to stand it? or do I catch them red-handed? Do I trust someone and get fooled by phoniness? Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?"

Well, yesterday was pretty good I guess. I got to talk to Lanae for the first time in a week or so. =\ And her sister was depressed, and I was able to help her. That was a good feeling, being needed again...I took these tests on Cooltests.com the other day, and these are a couple of the results.

What are you Secret Desires?

Want to be loved (35-60 points)

Jake, you often feel wronged by others. What you would like most is to show others what you have to offer. You're often angry at yourself for adapting more to other people's will than you should.But maybe you know why you really do this: your secret wish is to be loved by everybody and that's why you pretend to be nicer than you really are!

Do you Believe in Love At First sight?

Instant love (50-70 points)

Jake, you like playing with fire, no wonder that you fall in love very easily. You prefer to be in seventh heaven and to enjoy this feeling to the max. However when your dreams don't come true, then you feel down and disillusioned. Sometimes it's better to keep a cool head and to check out if you are really serious about your relationship. Because love also requires dependability and honesty.

Are you Psychic?

Your Total Score is 168 out of 200

Your Percent is 84%
Your Grade ** Very Psychic **

Today was boring, nothing has happened, and I'll probably be Pulled down again.

"I... I stand, not crawling, not falling down, I... I bleed the demons that drag me down, I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye), I... I'll bleed, (for no one), The demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)"

"You'll never betray my situation, the more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes, the more the dark consumes me, I pretend I'm burning...There's nothing ever wrong, but nothings never right, just a cruel contridiction, I know I crossed the line, Not easy to define, I am born to indecision, There's always something new, some path I'm supposed to choose, with no paticular rhyme or reason"

"Crying out for the last time, Clear a space for the warning signs, Crying out for the last time, And there's no turning back now that you've opened up to your mind"

Listening To: Shinedown - In Memory

Highlight of the Day: Yesterday...

Low point of the Day: Nothing really.

Reflections

I sit in this well of sorrow,
I see the reflection of my soul.

And I think about why my reflection is different…
So different,
Can’t recognize this person.

But I am not alone in this dark place.
There is someone else down here.
I can feel they’re presence.
As I look around, I find the corpse.

And I think of how and why this person is down here.
Also, what or who it is.
I worry about there soul,
And wonder if he was a good person.

But I remember about my reflection…
I wonder who he is.
I can’t feel him inside me.
But know that he…..is.

But yet, he seems to know me…
So I stay here,
Refusing to return to the land of the living.
And to find more people like myself.

All though every day I stay down in this broken Prison of mine,
I get even closer to death.
It is so wet….
So cold…..
So…
So…
…..

And then there was silence…
And another Body was laid to rest.

"All in all you're just another brick in the wall"

2005-04-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

"Raise me up into white unstained eternity gained, only life remains. Forever the scars have been washed away, Like blood on the brow of a forgotten day."

"A shell for the earth, all seasons reverse. A life inside out in a jet-black hearse. The feel of pain and the taste of dirt. A dardened sky and the loss of worth. Lower me down under glorious green."

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote an entry...I went and visited Kat, and that was honestly the best time I've had in my life...ever. Thank you very much Kat. :) I'm "Dating" a gal I've known for for a couple of months. She's great, I just wish we could talk more and of course live closer...*sigh* Me and Jesse got into a fight because I'm sick of him putting down my life, and it's really starting to piss me off. But he said he'll try and not do it. Me and Shane "Made Up" or something. Anything else but that? Hm...I can't remember at the moment.

"A small price to bleed and give you everything that you want. Dancing with the spirit, giving heart to pump a dirty vein. Leaving with a scar, a uniform to bruise a perfect stain."

"I try to push myself up, i'm breaking from the inside. I'm slipping through the cracks and I try to push it out of mind. Switch, you've got to turn your back and run."

Listening To: 12 Stones - Broken

Highlight of the Day: I don't know...I feel lonely today.

Low Point of the Day: Obviously...that I feel Lonely

Ravens

The Call of the raven echoes through…
The souls of everyone.

Appointed Guardian,
Guide to the afterlife for the dead.

Some see this bird as a sign,
Others see him as a gift.

I think he is a gift,
From someone that is giving you a sign.

The Raven may be a symbol of death,
But it is also just another sign of the beginning of life.

Even the colors of his feathers mourn the loss,
But his eyes celebrate the lives that they lived.

So I wonder why this world is for me,
Wishing that the raven would call me home.

But the raven says that it isn’t my time.
And I will wait for a lifetime,
To return home,
And see those who were taken before me.

"I can't always say, 'It'll be better tomorrow'"

2005-03-22T01:57:00.000-08:00

"I hide my life, and it's hard to find, a reason to get on with you, So I run away, and you still stay, so what the fuck is with you? Your feelings, I can't help but rape them, I'm sorry, I don't feel the same, My heart inside is constantly hating, I'm sorry, I just blow you away"

"I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation, Been to long with shit around me shows such a lack of compassion, I thought it would be fun and games! Instead, it's all the same! I want something to do, I need to feel the sickness in you. I feel the reason as it's leaving me, no, not again, It's quite decieving. as I'm feeling, The flesh made me bad"

"God paged me, I'll never see the life, that I want to see, God told me, I've already got the life, the one I see"

It's been awhile since I've posted again, I've really gotta get on it. lol. I guess so many people have been talking to be lately that I have no time? *Busts up laughing* Ok, so it's not that, but I don't know what it is. But, I'm feeling ok, so I'll add an entry for all my fans. ;)

[†]Aÿå RæÏn - ThË §hÅÐôwëÐ HÆær† --- You Won't Cry For My Absence, I Know - You Forgot Me Long Ago... says:
I read you blog alot, like I do others

hahaha...found that when I was reading old convos the other day. Sorry Kat, but you're now a subject in my Blog. Yep, going up there this weekend, And I get to meet her, Lanae, Lauren, and possibly Meghan depending on if she'll get to come. I can't wait, it's gonna be fun as hell in the Winter. And I know, 'Easter Weekend?! I thought you were the Religious man!'. *Rolls eyes* Even IF I went to Church a lot, Easter is the day where the unspiritual people can go place their hand on the Big Black book so they can feel good about all their sins til Christmas. lmao. Hypocrits are quite amusing.

Listening To: Korn - Shoots and Ladders

Highlight of the Day: Hm...I pick talking on the phone with Lauren....I also talked with Meghan on the phone, but she kept talking about Shane, so it didn't make the cut.

Low Point of the Day: Uh...shedding my abundant tears again...don't worry about why, unless you want to, then just IM me.

Rain

I’ve came so far.
But I still don’t imagine…
That I have a reflection.

I have heard the cries.
Even when I run through the rain,
I still don’t have a reason to sing.

This feels so unreal.
Tears fall from their faces,
Like raindrops fall on different places.

I am so faithless now.
Droplets fall from the leaves above.
And float to the ground like on a wing of a dove.

The shower must be something,
To help me forget the rest of my dreams,
To wash away my bad memories.

The clouds break apart.
And the last drop falls into my eye,
I blink, and finally see the reason why.

"Push from the inside,(Smothered) Push from the inside out"

2005-03-13T13:46:00.000-08:00

"Another night again, Another journey without friends, Another fight to wish away the loneliness I live, Another circus show, Another face that I don’t know, Another night of people asking what I have to give, I thought that I would drown, But it’s okay right now, No one knows the way I feel a part of me I have to fight, Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin, The emptiness in me is faded, And I can see my life is waiting, Now I know I’m living for who I am"

"Sticker this, Censor this, Ban this, We've got something to say!, Police this, Condemn this, Damn this, We'll be heard anyway!, Middle finger in the back then I wave but I'm silenced. (Listen here) Is it a possibility, That we're all just equal? Slam the power down,(Abusing) Oh doesn't it piss you off, To be beaten at your own game? You lead us with false morals, And shelter reality!(No more), We're not buying your product when you're selling the words preaching silence! Insult me in my home, Where you were never invited, To live life on your curb,(Frustrating) Throw sticks into the spokes, To relieve insecurities, Stifle all ascension, And sticker our freedom of speech!(So wrong)"

Well, I just realized it's been a week since I posted in here. Wow. Anyways, I've been pretty good lately. On friday, I went and met face to face with a gal I met over the net and turned out she lived only 10 minutes away, in the town that my Sister lives in. Later that night, Jesse came over and stayed the night. We didn't really do much although he was here for over 24 hours. And that's about it, besides talking to friends on the net.

"Past has found its place salvation is no more will god accept my peace bleached will pardon me reflections of my life are fading, Pull me out of body don't want it don't want in, Feeble frail and rotting descending I'm lost in, A structure that's collapsing don't want it cast into, Maker take the body don't want it wants me, I just want to run around, fly kites, wrestle, jump, and play, Swim through waves that crash to shore memories in me, cocooned in misery"

"I'm a self-destructive piece of shit, Smear me in, I don't owe you a goddamn thing, This life has never had the swing, I don't wanna be immortal or legend or anything, Cuz the longer I'm alive, the better off you'll be, Get ready for epitome, come on and pity me...Will you kill me if I say please? I'm the same old reasons not to try, What the hell?! Beat to death with a shovel and a new smell, Come and get me, mom would never let me do it, I'm ruined, I don't want anything from you, Cuz I've got nothing left to prove, c'mon My time, everything feels fine, goodbye, Killing from the inside!!!"

Listening To: SOiL's Halo

Highlight of the Day: Talking to friends on the net, of course

Low Point of the Day: None, thank God.

Play Dead

My future, is just around the corner,
I've found tomorrow in my dreams,
To survive this concussion of my past,
I must shape my fate, create my own faith

Although my body misses the hurt,
I have to live in hope of something more,
I'm so tired of everyday being the same,
I'm ready to desert this cold for warmth,

Sometimes I have to feel sorry for myself,
Because if I don't, who will?
And now I know that I don't have to,
Another thing from the past I must kill.

I always thought that the hardest part,
Had sunken into the part of me that will remain,
But when you know certain people,
You learn to think in certain ways...

You know how scared I am, right?
Staying in one place is a sure thing,
But you're right,
I can already see the blessings I will be getting.

You know how much pain it will bring, right?
My flesh tells me to think about this, to settle,
But you're right yet again,
Your friendship is just a glance on the things that are better.

But this is, in fact, the most strenuous,
But I know I have friends to help me through,
This task is something I know I could never do alone,
This change will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

Habitare Præ Caligo

2005-03-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

"Don't take it out on me, don't take it out on me, don't take it out on me you're wasting my time, You won't remember me, you won't remember me, you won't remember how you wasted my life"

"Broken bones and withered trees, Everything frosted just like me, Empty Bottles, broken glass, my result is fading fast"

"Bow down before your maker, Electric burns to fuel the fire, it's just a Suicide Messiah"

Haven't written in quite awhile, so I decided to since supposedly people DO read this. *Shrugs* Anyways, what's been going on? Lets see, I've been talking to people more one on one now. I talked to Ren on Friday when Jesse came over, then on Monday again, and then on Tuesday I called Kitten for the first time one on one. Anything other than that...? Oh yeah, I found out that one of the nicer gals from my former church moved over to the town I did and is now living with her BF. That's cool, cause maybe I could hang out with them sometime...but that'd be extremely akward..Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Anything else? Uh...went out to eat with my Sis and Grandma...But that really IS it. Wait...nope.

Listening To: Richard Cheese - Down With The Sickness

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Laura, Lauren, and Ky. That's it. *Shrugs*

Low point of the Day: School

Questions

Why does it seem that I am a liar?
To tell someone one thing and tell someone else another?

Why do I have urges to do wrong?
To hurt someone else, to make me feel better?

Is it because of my loneliness?
So I can make myself look better?

Why am I cursed to walk this world alone?
Why am I always thinking I’m alone when I am not?

So many questions, is it that hard to answer?
It depends of the question, is it a tough question?

I am going to try and answer it now, so stand back.
For I might not make it through this day of meditation.

As I sit and wonder why…
I slowly but surely die…

Moral of this poem…
Why waist you life on thinking about answers when you could be thinking about something else that makes even more questions?

Nullus cicatrix quia Ceterum Cadere Angulus

2005-03-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

"Ego voluntas potui illuc quia tibi, adusque chaldæi cor an ater ac cæruleus" <--Lyrics, just in Latin

"I could take every fuckin word she said, throw it in her face, but would she even care? I still remember when she looks at me, that frown apon her face, trying to be something. I gathered all those little things she said, kept them close to me, trying to make them real, This cloud will always hover over me, leaving you today, and now I say...Suffocate, you suffocate, your life, your faith, Suffocate, Suffocate, You always take, what you gave."

"Inside of me afraid, of this emptiness I've made, if you take a look now you will find...PERFECT INSANITY! I throw away my pride, come away from what has died, These things are going on inside my mind, Please let me out, Please let out, Please let me! Branded like an animal, I can still feel them burning in my mind, you believe that you made your messege clear, never been enough to really know what I feel, leaving me with images I know are not real, Are those words of Condemnation that I hear?"

Well, it is yet another entry by myself. What defines the real world and the digital world? Because to me, I can't find any, but there must be some, right? I talked to Laura, Maxx, and Ren on the phone last night. Then I went and saw Constantine again...still awesome. Best Comic Book movie ever, on account that if you didn't know better, you wouldn't even be able to tell that it's one. Then I came home, talked to friends, and then Jesse on AIM, then went to bed. All in all, I'm doing well. By the way, anyone who wants to know what the Latin words mean, IM me.

"Gather your pathetic masses and bring them to me, to a world devoid of light, to another time, to another place, and then the broken ones taste my misery, Rip away the diguise and then you'll realize that, the truth is sickening, we don't need to change that really, I kind of like it ugly, lay it, make it, binding, seething, winding, screaming, Heavy! You want it heavy, welcome to my world feel the weight and make you winding again. Gather your psychotic masses and bring them to me, to a world devoid of sanity, to another time and another place, where the violent ones crave calamity."

"You remember me, you can't be the same, That makes me who I am, you'll never understand, never gonna control me, you're living off my flesh, never gonna control this, the devil's on my back, and these are the things that I dream about, and you'll always be there to remind me, that you're my enemy, all that we had, has gone away, and there are times, that fade away, but you'll still be my, enemy."

"Looking over my shoulder, at the road I follow, and the things that matter, now are dust at my feet, Memories Whisper at the edge of deception, serving as reminders of a life incomplete, And all the remains are the scars to remind me, of a life I've thrown away, and all that remains are the bars to confine me, of a past I can't escape"

Listening To: Fozzy - All That Remains

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Laura and Lauren...online I mean

Low Point of the Day: None really.

Poetic Justice

Falling through my redemption.
And I’ll never be able to look at you again.
You are judging what my formal self.
You think you are bringing justice to my sin.

Why couldn’t you understand my dilemma?
Why couldn’t you reveal my mental enemy?
Instead you sit there and laugh.
Instead of relieving my emotional agony.

You could have made me strong enough to live.
You should have empowered me.
But again you only watch the acts that are committed.
And once again my own demons devour all I can see.
But I have used my pain and suffering as a fuel,
And escaped from your hate abyss.
Once I was blind but now I can see.
I have pierced through the dense mist.

You can only survive through my anguish.
My emotional and physical pain is significant.
But I’m an old subject, an old experiment.
Is this my destiny? To give my sorrowful testament?

Yes, I must deliver the message, the warning.
It’s up to me to repay you back your faithlessness.
To bring judgement to your bedside.
I have to be the messenger to deliver this poetic justice.

Am I just another puppet?
Am I another game piece, Another slave?
I refuse to bid by the laws of time.
But my revolting doesn’t contend against fate.

"Victims, aren't we all"

2005-02-28T12:01:00.000-08:00

"How much, must I, live through, just to, get away?"

"Just call my name, you'll be ok, Your scream is burning through my veins, sooner or later, you're gonna hate her, go ahead and through your life away"

"You know enough to know the way, Six billion people with just one name, I found tomorrow in today, a sparkle that can say my dreams were ever tamed, You wanna be the one who controls, You wanna be the one who can die, You wanna be the one who controls, It's not a matter of love, it's a just a matter of time, Stand out on the Edge of the Earth"

Wow...this is the longest my life has been doing good. I just feel a sense of Elation. I think it was the fact that so many things are going good right now. I'm talking to Kat a lot more, Laura has this phase that she likes talking to me, that'll be over soon though probably. I talked to her, Lauren, and Megs from 3PM to 1AM on Saturday. lol Only thing is, I feel like I HAVEN'T been talking to Kat enough. Since I've been out the last couple days, I feel bad and miss talking to her, since like I said, we're having more convo then we have been. She wrote this awesome Song last night, and it's a lot better than the ones I have written, I especially loved one line, that I will go ahead and use as a quote, cause...it IS a song. :P One more thing though...haven't heard from Lanae recently. Maybe something happened in her favor. I hope so..

"Hearing only these demon's words, Call yourself a failure; A fallen angel, But I am here to call you back, From the dead world, Where you've sent yourself"

"Now I know why you wanna hate me, Now I know why you wanna hate me, Now I know why you wanna hate me, CAUSE HATE IS ALL THE WORLD HAS EVEN SEEN LATELY!"

"Please let me out, Please let me out, Please let me! Branded like an animal, I can still feel them burning my mind, You believe that you made your message clear, Never been enough to really know that I feel, Leaving me with images I know are not real, Are those words of condemnation that I hear"

Listening To: Fozzy - All That Remains

Highlight of the Day: Haven't done much today, but it's most definitally seeing that Kitten is doing ok, and sorry for her friend, even though I don't know her, Depression sucks, but the darkness is brightened with time.

Low Point of the Day: Knowing that I won't be able to talk to all of my friends...at least not as much as I want to. Once you feel Joy, it's like Vampiric Blood, you want...you need more.

Personal Hell

Anger...
Emotion lost; dead to me.
Struggle to regain...
My ilussions to believe.

Torment soul,
Violent rage.
Self inflicted wounds,
Stretched acrossed my face.

Bad memories bring hate,
Sad times bring about sin.
They are scars that rip open,
And bleed yet again.

Does he listen? NO
Our "God" to be,
My glorified saviour,
Never cared for me.

Stench of burning flesh,
Fire as far as the eye can see.
It's not a land of torture.
It is a sadistic island inside a flaming sea.

This place I thought I left.
Abondoned it seemed.
But it was just denile.
A sad and lonely dream.

Scratches on my back,
Blood blackened from the ash.
Resembles dark tears,
That were also in my past.

My Hell,
I'm not the only resident,
I'm not the only martyr.
But with every person sent here...

I get stronger.
This is my personal dark place...
The only color, Black.
Where no one has a face.
Where my throne runs off into the sewers of pain...
Where confusion reigns

"You can't bring me down!"

2005-02-25T21:45:00.000-08:00

"Six feet deep is her incision, In my heart the barless prison, Discolours all with tunnel vision, Sunsetter, Nymphetamine, Sick and weak from my condition, This lust, this vampiric addiction, To her alone in full submission, None better, Nymphetamine"

"We are dirt, we are alone, you know we're far from sober, We are fake, We are afraid, you know it's far from over, We are dirt, we are alone, you know we're far from sober, Look closer, are you like me, Are you Ugly?"

Haven't posted in several days, I must remember to post sometimes. Anyways, things have been doing pretty good lately. I have been talking to Kat a lot now, as I said before, all that was wrong, was me, I was too stupid to try and keep the convo going. She's always the best person to talk to and I'm extremely happy that she's doing well also. Also, another really cool thing, I introduced Kat and Jesse. Strange, one online friend, the other offline, but they seem to like eachother, my mission is complete. Another thing that went along with this, Jesse has Internet again, sweetness. Now we can talk more, and He's got AIM at home and at School. And one of the strangest things of the day today, Laura, Lauren, and Meghan had me call them, that was fun, strange, but fun! Last post was pretty bad, but fate has finally decided to deal me a winning hand. Thank You...

"So would if I lost everything, would you want me if I was a failure, so what if I lost everything, would you be there, even when I am gone?"

"They tried so hard to follow, but no one came, inside you're all so hollow, You understand...I've gave and you've taken, and I've waited for you but I made a mistake, it's clear that your fear is so near, cause I can see the look on your face, You tried to hold me under, I held my breath, alone and now you wonder, what I possess"

"You're trying to shape me, Trying to make me, this is the only, Killing the only thing, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of Lying, the only thing I own, are the things that I feel"

Listening To: Cradle of Filth - Nymphetamine

Highlight of the Day: Talking to friends on and offline

Low Point of the Day: Knowing that although life is peachy now, it can always go back to bad...

Our Battle

I used to think this world was gone,
That there was no way it could come back,
But you showed me what it is like to live,
Hold onto everything and cherish it.

I cannot let them fall like I almost did.
I will not allow them to plummet,
Anything that can be done will…
Everything that I can do will be done.

Something inside or whoever outside,
They smiled to show me the truth,
This is my duty to fight the good fight.
My life can be summed up, by delivering the sight.

They cannot give up their hope,
They will not release their faith.
The children will remain strong.
It is our newborns that deserve to live on.

They must know how to conceive it,
They have to learn that they can achieve it.
They need to just generally know,
That I was right where they are and that they are not alone.

I hope they know that it isn’t just their battle,
That it isn’t only their struggle,
That there is always someone there.
I thank God that I am still here.

And as long as I have one breathe in me,
I will not allow it to keep happening.
I must stop this madness; I will do my part to stop the sickness.
We have to save our offspring.

I was spared to come back and protect them,
And I would be willing to give everything to save them.
My belongings, my life, even my very soul.
As long as they are granted a life to the full.

And for the Weekend, I have Mudvayne's Fucking Determined

"Be greatful, Be Honest, Be Precious, BE MINE!"

2005-02-23T22:33:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes I wish that I could be your eyes so blind, To look away from a world that pushes you aside, I've made the chains undone, but I don't feel complete, a puzzle with a missing piece, I hate what I've become.."

"You look me, in my face, Tell me Im, a disgrace, you say that your the victim, I say your full of shit, all the times you stuck me here, and put me on my own, I feel the same thats why, I've got a bullet with your name"

Today was annoying as hell. I woke up late, and new I couldn't get on the net cause my Mom unhooked my net. So I sat around and did homework all day. Anyways, my Mom didn't come home after work, instead she went over to my Sis' and got drunk...well my Step-Dad went and picked her up, and at the same time got hammered. They got home and they started fighting...not only verble like it used to be, but my Mom was shoving my Step-Dad and vice versa and I was thinking he was gonna hit her. Then I would have taken FULL action considering I was conceiling my Butterfly knife under by dress shirt. Besides that, I talked to Lauren for a little while, and that's it. Everyone else seemed kind of unintrested or something, Beh. I don't really care.

"I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it, I don't believe this makes me real, I thought it'd be easy, but no one believed me, I left all the things I've said, If you could leave this in my soul, I'll say all the words that I know, Just to see if it would show, that I try and do let you know...that I'm better off on my own"

"WAKE UP!(wake up)DON'T YOU DIE!"

Listening To: Deftones - Back To School

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Lauren

Low Point of the Day: My Parents fighting.

Open Questions

I don’t know who you are,
Who is this person inside?
I’m breaking off.
And I don’t know why.

I am on my own now,
What am I to do?
I am afraid that I will fade…
If I don’t act soon.

The door was open,
How could I not walk through?
I’ve got to swim…
To the top of this river of truth.

It was laid beside me,
Will it be there when I wake up?
This is what I dream…
The love is bred into my blood.

I can’t help but care for her.
Where can I find you?
The windows also open,
But there is darkness bleeding through.

"Vindicate me, So I die happy"

2005-02-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

"I hold you in like a deep breath. Feel you like the last beautiful touch before a final rest. I know i'll see you forever. I want it painted black and red. It's so beautiful to me, it's everything i see. It's so beautiful to me, but it's nothing that i need."

"And everything is building up, a pale heart is an empty cup, if nothing ever changes, im breaking down, giving up. Burn it out, let it go, break it all, lose control, force it out, bring it through, pass it down, make it new. Kill the pain, scrape it off, leave it here, make it stop. Tear it down, bleed it out, all the hate, see it straight. No one ever told me that it would all stay the same. Everyday i fall on shards of my hatred and shame."

Today was pretty...a day can't be either 1 or the other anymore. XD I'm ok, I'm not, yada yada, Whatever. I got to talk to Kat today...we actually carried on a conversation longer than 5 lines, I'm especially happy about that. It's not 2 hour convos like we used to have, but it's a step in the right direction. I also talked with Lauren and Lanae, everytime I talk to them, lets just say it's interesting. lol.

Oh, and I forgot to tell everyone...more so myself, Shelley blew up on me, and she decided not to be my friend anymore. I can take an emotionally strung out woman as a friend, but someone who is so quick to accusations is a little much. If you ever get over whatever it is you think I did or didn't do, send me an IM.

"We lay face down in pale solitude, To save face, we pulled our walls in front of you, To the same place where we danced in front of you, We fell from grace and watched the hope fall from your face"

"It's just never appealed to me to be the same as everyone. And when it comes to shove, and I can't see you through the black, I'm going to scream your name till you come back. I bury sick side, I tear from the inside out, I follow the downside, I'm waiting for something else. I know that you'll be here and I'll be waiting. I know that youll be near and I'll be waiting."

"I'm growing partial to detesting a disease in me. It's head swells into beautiful. Dependency. With teeth that feed on flesh and everything. I swear I am not. A small price to bleed and give you everything that you want. Dancing with the spirit, giving heart to pump a dirty vein. Leaving with a scar, a uniform to bruise a perfect stain. Anything you hate will be the root of everything you breathe. Breathing in the dirt will leave you hating all that you conceive."

Listening To: Strung Out - Analog

Highlight of the Day: Talking to all my friends, and the rest of them. lol, j/k.Talking to everyone in the chat

Low Point of the Day: Feeling Depressed again...I thought I was passed that! XD

One Last Time

Next in line for the hurt,
The pain growing once more,
The flame to ice and back to death,
Don't give me the talk about shutting the door.
Spirit lifted back to unforgotten lore.

Extra needles this time...
Heart wrenching love,
Tears drop to my hands and to the dirt, my blood.
Open your mind and your eyes together,
Let me fill your lungs again, Take willingly the flood.

I always face my challenges that lay ahead,
But he can't live with certain things that are left unsaid,
We, together agree that nothing can stay alone,
One thing that won't remain burried are the dead.
Rising to torment the living, returning home.

Take my pocket to the poker,
Singe the putrid hairs and boiled flesh
At least I can try one last time to cure this disease...this fetish.
I love being burned to the point of no recognition...in other words, you're stinging rejection.
I hate being hurt, but to eternally heal this infection...

Give me one good reason...
Why I shouldn't cut out these veins,
Do me a favor when I'm gone,
Cover my body and stop the decay,
Tear this skin and wear my face,
Once more before you lower me into that grave.

"We're all to blame"

2005-02-19T16:07:00.000-08:00

"Now it seems I'm, finally in control of everything, I wanna love, I wanna feel, above these...Find the Real"

"Well could we have known, Never would I, Have helped to nail down, With nothing to gain, Here's the clincher, This should be you, Made cold and crippled, This happened to be, Never changing, Holding inside, The phobia viewed, Made cold and crippled, Ending it all...now Saturate"

"Your words swarm me through my soul like locusts. Eating away at any glimpse of focus. Their eyes flaming red like pain. Filling the void once righteous and bloodstained. But words can't kill the light inside me that tears me from the hate that binds me. I feel it crawling up my spine. But i'll cut it off before it reaches the bloodline."

Haven't written since Valentine's Day...thought I'd lay hands on your eyes, and take the fear from you, the blind. Llike everyone else, I could lay my hand on the book and say that I've been better, lie about how sweet the air tastes to their decaying tongues. But I have never truly been better. Because when someone says that, they're trying to get pity from the dead of heart anyways. I haven't lost faith if someone or something should spread my ribs and breathe new life to my atrium. But til that time, I'll wait as I have for centuries, holding the piece of meat so that some carnivore may come and end the hate of the two faced world.

Anyways, I haven't been doing much lately but listening to Music and playing my VGs. Thanks to Jordan for my...more fitting Skin. And thanks to all the fine TV shows for spending my time with. And thanks again to Ky...

"Never gonna control this, you're living on my face, Never gonna control this, the devil's on my back, And these are the things that I dreamed about, And you're always there to remind me...that you're my Enemy, all that we had, has gone away, all the times fade away, but you'll still be my...Enemy"

"It's just one of those days, where you don't wanna wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks, you don't really know why, but you wanna justify, RIPPIN SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF! No human contact, and if you interact, you're life is on contract, you're best bet is to stay away motherfucker, IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS! It's all about he said she said bullshit, I think you better quite lettin shit slip, OR YOU'LL BE LEAVING WITH A FAT LIP! It's all about the he said she said bullshit, I think you better quite, talkin that shit punk...so come and get it...My suggestion is to keep your distance, cause right now I'm dangerous, We've all felt like shit, been treated like shit, all those motherfuckers wanna step up, I hope you know I pack a chainsaw, I'll skin you're ass raw, and if my day keeps goin this way I just might, brake somethin tonight, I hope you know I pack a chainsaw, I'll skin your ass raw, and if my day keeps goin this way I just might, break somethin tonight, I pack a chainsaw, I'll skin your ass raw, and if my day keeps goin this way I might...BREAK YOU FUCKIN' FACE TONIGHT!!!"

"Branded like an animal, I can still feel them burning my mind, You believe that you made your message clear, Never been enough to really know that I feel, Leaving me with images I know are not real, Are those words of condemnation that I hear, Come inside now I implore, Do you think you can restore, Crucial feelings missing from my brain, Perfect insanity! What seems to be the matter dear, Do you cry or shake with fear, I only have the best of me insane, Please let me out, Please let me out..."

Listening To: Mudvayne - Fucking Determined

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Kyah...wow...did that just come out of my mouth? O_O!

Low point of the Day: Besides the fact that no cares I exist? Beh. Nothing! :D

In spirit of my new name/skin...One of my Songs instead of a Poem

Epitaph

No need to fear me,
Heart pure and filled with innocence.
I am here on good intent.
I’m here to correct my own negligence.
I must change the outcome of my acts of ignorance.
Fix the effects of my lack of vigilance.

And now, my enemy is questioning my departure.
Making me wonder why I must escape my fate so soon.
Why shouldn’t I accept the future for what it is?
To live with my failures, with my ruins.

[Chorus]
No, I will not be known as the man that gave up.
I will not be the one who has never found destiny’s love.
I’m ready to go into the flame, in which you’re lighting,
I’m willing to leave this realm of uncertainty.

When the agora gathers to decipher my epitaph,
Be sure to consider "Scorpion" for my agnomen.
Let it be known that I lived my portion of the fight.
Let my name be on lips of the few that remember.
And let my image be in the eyes of our children.

I hope to be the light to generations,
Those have unfortunately been forsaken.
I wish to be the blinding beacon,
To the ones that have been benighted.

I will be the root of ‘Why’
The beginning of ‘When’,
I shall give them wings to continue to fly.
My children will rule of this land.

[Chorus]

My balance reign true,
Through the followers I will gain strength.
I will again rise, and someday be with you.

"I'm your dream, mind astray..."

2005-02-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

I didn't know what to quote today, so I decided to just put an entire song.

"Behind the eyes of my compassion lies a suffering soul
And in my blood a bitter darkness slowly taking it's toll
I feel the death of our connection and the fading of light
Between the shards of sudden panic from choking on my life

I see the scars of your addiction and the feeling you hide
A blackened heart from all the hatred you will never rewind
Within the depths of your depression hear you pleading for help
Your just a shell of vacant ruin, a portrait of myself.

I can't breathe alone
You can guide me home.

CHORUS:
I am the face of your affliction.
Feeding new life through the cracks in your skull.

Beneath the skin of your aggression is a thickening fear
A swelling plague from every devastating voice that you hear
You feel the throes of contradiction in the world that you left
Another day in your delusion, the never-ending death.

I can't breathe alone
You can guide me home
I can feel you here
You can draw me near

CHORUS:
I am the face of your afflication.
Feeding new life through the cracks in your skull.
I am the pain of your conviction
Stabbing you right through the back of your soul.

This is life, this is love

(CHORUS)

I can feel you here
You can draw me near." - Demon Hunter's Annihilate The Corrupt

Today started out bad, I was just...an asshole all day, I don't know what it is about Valentine's Day that brings it out of us. lol, j/k. I just felt like crap, and somewhere in my mind I must have thought that everyone else had to also. Either way, I think it was just the last stage into turning back into the real me. I remembered that all I want is to be myself. Even when I was trying to be someone else, my mind yearned for my old ways. And I'm back, only thing is, that people will attack this side of me, but I'm back to being me, the person that only cares about how other's are feeling, not what they think. Thanks to Kitten for the Progression in my Depression. Thanks again. :)

Listening To: Sinisstar - White Noise

Highlight of the Day: Talking to J, Kat, Meghan, Lauren, and for some reason I thought it was awesome that Jarrod made threads about stuff and had me in there. lol. But, I'm happy him and Kat made up, Losing a frienship is worse then losing the one you love, cause you love a best friend more than anything. I knew they would though, I told her that guys are stubborn but he'd come around, damn I'm good.

Low Point of the Day: Nothing but being depressed, but coming out of it for good and defeating my insecurities overlaps that.

As promised, here's 2 poems to either end your belief or start you believe in Love

Satan's Valentine

All the incidents that seemed to never happen,
I know what you did, I need an alibi
All the accidents that beg to be forgotten.
But she won't let me go, won't let me die

She's got to be the most manipulating person I know,
I know that she can't hold me down forever,
As hard as it is, I must not allow myself to follow,
Teach me told sit and wait for the right one to escape her.

She stole away everything I had in this world...
My sight, my speech, my taste, my heart,
I can still feel the cold breath on my face, I still hear the icy word,
Even when I speak her name, I can't help but shatter and fall apart.

I loathe you and your very being.
You took my wrists and bleed me dry.
I thought the dead of Winter passed to Spring,
But the tears do not flow, they still freeze when I cry.

In the pit of hell with you on my mind,
You slowly hurt me, taking your time.
My wrists were bloody from your binds.
You remain there for eternity, stay as Satan's valentine...

I will now work at getting past your boulder in my path,
I will somehow go around this tormented wall.
I sigh and speak my destined words, "At Last..."
They break the wall down in a single stroke, the shards of cement start to fall.

Unknown Love

You beauty excides more then just your outer being,
You...are the subject to my affection,
And no matter what happens in our vitality,
You...will always be the cure for my affliction.

When you are too far away from me,
I fall into my dark place and await arival,
I would wait for you for a thousand eternities.
My love for you, is the sole purpose of my survival.

You are my everlasting flower...
You've dropped your vines and roots inside of me.
You have complete control over me...
I would lay my life down for yours in a heartbeat.

You think you hold a place in my heart?
In actuality it's more of the entire thing,
Precious is your name when I speak it out loud.
I love you, I love all feelings you bring.
You are...my everything.

"Fun is Fun and what's done is done, Nothing is forever...but we all shine on"

2005-02-11T01:36:00.000-08:00

"'This isn't me' I used to say, All the love was so gone. It feels good to be alive, I've been dead for so long."

"I've met the end of being, my eyes are open wide, I feel myself depleting, I watch my body die"

"Everyday I see my life rewind, turn into dreams I find, I'm wide awake."

Today was probably one of the worst days I've had in a long while. And at the same time, one of the bests. I got over my problems I was whinning about for awhile to my friends. Oh well, I'm better now, but I lashed out at a certain friend today as well. I can never repay them those times in their life. But, as the title of this entry says, Troubles come and troubles pass, we just have to live through them, until they are the past...I'm going to my Dad's for the weekend, and Valentine's Day is coming up. Which is always a drag if you don't have a Valentine in you mind. I'll post a couple poems to set the mood on Monday.

"I've made my promise, and now I've fallen, through broken pieces...I see you"

"Through all you said, I'm still paralyzed, and runnin out of breath, from saying these things, that I'll regret, that I'll regret, my time is over, how can you leave me alone? I'm infected with you, pull the plug already, tell me before I go, that you're infected with me"

"Burry the sick side! Tear from the inside out! Burry the sick side! Tear from the inside out! I know that you'll be here and, I'll be waiting. I know that you'll be near and, I'll be waiting"

Listening To: Demon Hunter's Self Debut Album

Highlights of the Day: Talking to Kat, Meghan, Lauren, and everyone else on Messanger.

Low Point of the Day: Seeing Kat so depressed. I don't like to see her like that, and I'd do anything to help her feel better. To all those who are depressed: Life sucks, I know. But it's how we react to those things that suck that determine our lives, don't let them rule you.

No Name

It always comes back to this,
How you were someone before,
And I am something less,
So I fill my void with loneliness,
With ahold of Nothingness,
Call me what ever you wish,
I will be the one to find my "Bliss".

It's what comes back around,
These screams are not my sounds,
Can you say you'll be happy?
When you're knee deep in filth.
That day that you'll be found,
Will be the day of my arrival,
The same moment I'll be discovered to be bound.

The face of the vulture is sickening,
The hole in their culture is weakening,
And the hate of the lover is crying.

"I need you, I breathe you, I can't go through this"

2005-02-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

"And if I, could teach the world to be, I'd teach them to not be victims just like me, Frustrated, Bitter, Depressing...And if you, can watch the sun going down, you'd see that all I am is love, but I don't like me, I dispise me."

"The pieces of a broken heart, are wasted time. And I can't forgive myself, for all the things I've done, but you, you do. Please one more time for me, cause my heart is filled with loneliness, and this world is filled with lowliness, please one more time for me, cause the struggles of this world are Bliss Tearing. Your tears, run through my veins, the times you lifted up and then, that's me again"

It's been awhile since I've written. Well, I went to Memphis, did blood work, and MRIs...and nothing is back, like I knew it wouldn't be. But whatever...And I realize that the lyrics on here, I've already put, but I don't care...

"We are the dead generation, No one's gonna cry, for you anymore"

"Kill me with your love, that you don't give to me, give to me"

"Why's it always have to be me, that always has to burn and, I'll never learn"

"The only way, the way I feel, a part of me I have to find, it's burried somewhere deep within my skin, This emptiness in me is fading, and I can see my life is waiting, and now I know I'm living for who I am"

Listening To: Dead Poetic - Four Wall Blackmail

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Kitten, Ham, and everyone else in and out of the Chat. :D

Low point of the Day: Knowing that Mandy is on her "offline Phase" but I still got up at 11 anyways.

Nightmares

Tossing and turning,
Is this all I have to look forward to…?

Why should I sleep then?
These nightmares…
They will not subside.

I have seen these visions of the destruction,
I have even seen my own death…

The visions look like they could be signs,
Maybe they could be miracles.

I have touched the dark,
And it will always feel cold,
I will always feel like I want to die.

These Nightmares try and suck me in,
Trying to create fear.

So I stand tall,
Never letting go,
So I stand below,
Hoping to prevail…or will do so alone.

"WE ARE THE PULSE OF THE MAGGOTS!"

2005-01-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

"I wipe it off on tile, the light is brighter this time. Everything is 3D blasphemy. My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up. This is not the way I picture me. I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here? Something about this, so very wrong...I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this. Is it a dream or a memory? I've felt the hate rise up in me, Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves, I wander out where you can't see, Inside my shell, I wait and bleed."

"I'm turning it around like a knife in the shell, I wanna understand why, but I'm hurting myself. I haven't seen a lotta reasons to stop it I can't just drop it, I'm just a bastard, but at least I admit it, At least I admit it! I know why you blame me, I know why you blame yourself, I know why you plague me, I know why you plague yourself"

It's sunny out! And hot in my room. At least I can get naked! *Rolls eyes* Riiight. Anyways, I've had a pretty good day today. It could be better, but nothing can be too good, as I've said before. So...*Looks around* I always seem to have more lyrics to post then I what I have to say. Oh well, the lyrics are saying what I can't speak aloud? *Shrugs* I think that's a semi-sweet way of saying it. But I was thinking last night, I wasn't sad or anything, just thinking. And God made us in his image, which he is love, and if that is true, why can't we all find someone to hold onto us for eternity?

"I've known faces that have disappeared in time, Find me wraped in glass and slowly soaked in lime, All my friends have pictures meant to make you cry, I've seen this and wondered, What I've done to calcify, (I ignore you) As i close my eyes, I feel it all slipping away, (I come towards you) We all got left behind, We let it all slip away, (I ignore you) As i close my eyes, I feel it all slipping away, (I come toward you) We all got left behind,We let it all slip away. Take this away, Take this away, I can feel it on my mouth, I can taste you on my fingers, I can hear you like the Holy Ghost, And kill you if you get too close!"

"She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame. All the torment and the pain, Leaked through and covered me, I'd do anything to have her to myself, Just to have her for myself, Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad. She is everything to me, The unrequieted dream, the song that no one sings, The unattainable. She's a myth that I have to believe in, All I need to make it real is one more reason, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad."

"Give me the dust of my father, Stand on the face of the ancients, Bare, the secret flesh of time itself, Follow me, (Follow me) I've come so far, I’m behind again, Follow me, (Follow me) I wish so hard I'm there again, Follow me, (Follow me) Follow me, (Follow me) All that I wanted were things I had before, All that I needed, I never needed more, All of my questions were answers to my sins, And all of my endings are waiting to begin. I know the way, but I falter, I can't be afraid of my patience, There's a sacred place Razel keeps safe."

Listening To: A LOT OF SLIPKNOT! But at the moment, Slipknot - Three Nil

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Mandy. As short as it was, it helped all the same. :)

Low Point of the Day: Having to go let the dogs out. They should be able to get out themselves! XD

Early Poem, don't look at this to judge my poems. lol. Or do, cause I don't really care.

Never Again

Why am I so tolerant?
Of this pain that you have sent.
To take this and give nothing back,
I won’t cut you anymore slack.

When you’re hurt or in trouble…
I’m sorry to burst your Bubble.
Nothing is what you will receive…
Unless you trust and believe.

Because I am standing firm,
Not moving, It’s now your turn.
To take a swing,
To make me bleed.

This time is over,
Like the four-leaf Clover.
Summer is here,
Spring is gone, time for my severe.

"And if my ways were more like yours, but I'm falling down"

2005-01-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

"With these tears running down, and all I am is love, But I don't like me. I despise me..."

"Soon...It will be over soon, When you cry, when you fly, when you told me not to open my eyes, when you cry, when you die. When you told me not to open my eyes. Desperately waiting for something, More than nothing"

I always start my entries with "Today" So I'm going to start it with....Today has been pretty good. I talked to Kat and Maxx, and of course Mandy, when do I not talk to her? lol. Besides that, I picked my sister up after school, and...I'll probably be sitting around here like I have been for the last...3 years? Except, since I have nothing to do, I'm going to have as much of a church service as one person that's alone CAN have.

"New medicines should ease this pain. They're the only ailment for it. It's this air and time that's bringing me home again. A lame attempt at playing the part again now. In a place you don't know. And this stance as sturdy as leaves in a storm. The premise and motive fueling blank faces. The fool in a place you don't know. In this place, you don't"

"Someone I can trust, Someone I believe, Someone who will never try, To bring me to my knees. Someday I will find again, Someone just like me, Someone who will take the time, In understanding me."

Listening To: Soil - The One

Highlight of the Day: Talking to my friends...:D

Low point of the Day: Uh...My ear hurts?

Nature

Gaze at all the trees outside.
Hear the breeze through my hair.
For a second I forget my hard life.
It’s the simpler things that keep us here.

Feel the warmth of summer nights.
Watch the sun drop behind the trees.
Do you understand where I am going?
Nature’s one of life’s more complicated things.

I taste the air of summer.
Smell the wet grass in the morning dew.
Everything is calm and silent.
It’s a new day, a day to start over with you.

Hear the creeks still trickling.
Glance at the river eternally flowing,
I understand nature’s grasp on this world,
Feel with me, the planet gently moving.

I might be dreaming,
But this is one thing to live for.
With the gift of the Earth,
We exist in hope for something more.

Humanity needs to stop and experience this.
We as a race are only getting older.
I wish that we could get around this,
Get around our Human Nature.

"Please, one more time for me"

2005-01-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

"Cause my heart is filled with Lonliness, And this world is filled with Lowliness, Please, one more time for me, Cause these struggles of this world are Bliss Tearing."

"I don't want to come back to this place, All I can ever picture is you smiling, and then picture you leaving...I'm just Glass in Trees, and all you left here, was everything that I miss"

Today has been pretty good, I actually woke up at 11. Woah! New Record!!! *Rolls eyes* And it's not cold, that's a plus. So far, I've talked to Don and Mandy...but that's definitally a plus for the day. Now if I could get a life offline. Hm...*Sighs* Oh well!

"I decide, that I should leave this cloud, When all I want is to hear the sound, of your voice, your voice, and that constant noise, the only sound to fill this void"

Listening To: Dead Poetic - Molotov

Highlight of the Day: Talking To Mandy again, like I always say, some of the best times I have in the day are talking to her. And on most days, she's the highlight because she's fun to talk to

Low point of the Day: ...not sure yet

Myself

I need to define myself,
I have to find design myself.
Figure out, and inside myself.
I need to look inside my mind for myself.

Who am I and what do I want?
How do I fit into the equation?
Why do I exist in life? Do I exist in death?

Do you wish into me?
Am I the one to write my Philosophy?
It’s too early to be determined.
Too early to never be forgotten.

Will I be the one to hate?
How will I fit into your fate?
When will I wipe the blood away?
Just how much effort will it take to stay?

Can I hold a grudge?
Or should I forgive?
Either way is correct,
But which one will gain me respect?

Should I let my life slip away?
Should I let death have its way?
Should I get lost within myself?
Care only about me; no one else.

Mellow feelings or Aggressive Emotions?
Or am will I hear sorrowful screams…?
What’s the hurry? What’s all the commotion?

I am able to redefine myself,
Able to re-create myself.
I might not be able to do this again,
I can make me perfect,
And then…

"If we only the truth about it, maybe we could walk our way around it"

2005-01-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

"Nothing you can say, Nothing you can do, Nothing in between, you know the truth. Nothing left to fake, nothing left to lose, Nothing takes your place...When they say, 'you're not that strong, you're not that weak, it's not your fault', And when you climb, up to your hill, up to your place, I hope you will...Nothing left to prove, Nothing I won't do, Nothing but the way, I feel for you. Nothing left to hide, Nothing left to fear, I am always here"

"If I saw you dancing, I would spin you around, Spin you around. If I saw you dancing, I would Spin you around, Spin you around, turn your world upside down"

Thought I would update again. This weekend was pretty fun, me and a old buddy stayed over and we watch movies till we fell asleep. I don't know why I woke up with my pants undone though...lol, j/k. It's been a pretty good day today, and talked to Mandy who I hadn't heard from this week. Shut up, I know it's Monday, but who cares?

"Rectifier, how's the world supposed to be? Rectifier, take my hand and rescue me, Rectifier...How's the world supposed to be? Rectifier, take my hands and set them free"

"It takes time, to heal the wounds, that I've found along the way, If I'm blind, I'm hoping my eyes cross, I need to see your face...If I can feel again, will you tell me now, wait til I'm broken. Down again, save me now I'm broken"

"Only a cinder remains, As another night, becomes a Yesterday. COME ON! Anstrathize the panic, it is what drives the weak. DON'T GO! We'll Anstrathize the panic."

"I can't bury every form I've seen, The hollow pieces of perfection are embedded in me, And with every step the walls give way, And in the shadow of deceit I can see you fade, I've seen all those dreams we try to hide, And the sound of honesty's reply, But I'm not that man you've seen inside, He was born so pure but then he died"

Listening To: Shinedown - Simple Man

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Mandy and hearing her weekend was pretty good.

Low Point of the Day: *Shrugs*

My Sun and My Moon

This feeling of regret comes over me,
Like a flash from a distant past of insanity.
Regret of an action that has yet come to pass.
And a sorrow for someone that incased in my heart.
But feels as if she could be contained in a prison of glass.

This person I have never met, but only felt.
But I will meet with this person.
All I am able to do is wait and believe.
That this person will be the one who I seek, the one who I need.

The time draws closer as her icy shackles are melting away,
The frozen tomb that which she lies is starting to run.
But the grave is another wall in my road.
Just another element to tear down,
Just another group of stories that were better left untold.

Soon they will be melted and my darling will be released.
She, would by my Golden Goddess, and I shall be her beast.
My Sun and my Moon, she would be,
One to control my warmth and the other to control my sea.
One to light my way by day, and one to guide my path by night.

She stood before me, knowing my face and my smile.
It was just plastered there, and remained for awhile.
My wait was not in vain, and my love had finally come.
Alone I am not, and never again.
When you say me, I say you.
We’re one is the same, the cure for our flu.

Or

Now unfrozen, from the bed of glacier’s prep.
About to be awoken from the dream of the future that she unwillingly slept.
Although the resurrected queen that stood before me was alive.
She refused to awaken as I stared into her cold, soulless eyes.
I saw that her love had run out, even before it began.
She wished not to be disturbed, not to be raised, and never to be again.
So I left her to rest, in her shallow, icy grave.

"I'm looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my faith in this world, my place in this world"

2005-01-22T23:52:00.000-08:00

"The Dolphin Boooyyy...He was at one with the ocean, loved all the dolphins with devotion, And he could not hide his emotion...The Dolphin Boooooy. So he abondoned the life of above, So he could meet with the mammal he loved...The Dolphin Boooy....And then he was hit, by a boat. He was torn wide open, from groin to throat."

"My mother was a mule, and my father was a squirrel, my sister's a boy, and I am a girl, we are...Circus freaks, circus freaks. My mother was a bearded woman, my father a bearded Man, He never made much money....GRR!"

"I'm the only gay eskimo, I'm the only one I know. I'm the only gay eskimo, in my tribe. I go out seal hunting with my best friend Tarka, but all I wanna do is get into his Parka, I'm the only gay eskimo, I'm the only one I know, I'm the only gay eskimo, in my tribe. Me and the Plechupa, we both like Flubber, But me, I've got this crazy fetish for Rubber"

Today was weird, I was tired from last night. I slept till like...4. And it iced, so my room was freezing, litterally had to be under 20. And then I started listening to funny songs for some reason...*Shrugs* Some of them are just MEAN...but I can't help laugh. lol. But emotion wise, today wasn't too bad.

"Watch them run, watch them fall, watch them try and catch a ball. Olympics...Watch them laugh, watch them drool, watch them fall into the pool, (that's diving)...at the Special Olympics. And I know for well, that I will burn in hell...but those guys playing wheelchair basketball has to be the funniest freakin thing I've ever seen in my life...at the Special Olympics."

"White and Black, the friendly bears of China, White and Black, they rarely move at all, What shall be done for these China Bears? What should be done with these Friendly Bears? DIE! THEY MUST DIE! THE PANDAS MUST DIE! Why should we save them? What do they do? Have you ever seen a Panda do something good for you? They can't wear T-Shirts, They can't play Basketball, They can go psycho, over Niagra Falls, DIE! THEY MUST DIE! THE PANDAS MUST DIE!"

Listening To: MercyMe - I Can Only Imagine

Highlight of the Day: *Shrugs*

Low Point of the Day: Without good, there can not be bad...*Shrugs again*

My Slumber

Behind the eyes of this wretched life,
Behind that smile that burn my sight.
I am screaming for a way out.
Searching for a way to contain my shouts.

I’m asleep from the pressure-induced coma.
Again keeping me from leaving my home.
I still lye unconscious on my bed,
With all these dreams left floating in my head.

Will my dreams be fulfilled?
Will my love forever be concealed?
Will my enemy finally be revealed?

When will I be woke up? Will I ever be awake?
I hope the day is soon, I hope it is today.
Will this be the day I am found?
That the slumber is broken for which I am bound.

Will I be the person; the one who gets to find?
That there is someone who feels the same that I do inside.
The one and only, my love, my bride.

I will always be here, drenched in my tears.
Will I always have to live with these fears?
And although I haven’t felt like this in years,
It all comes back to me as if I never left from here.

"Been here before, couldn't say I like it, do I start writing this all down"

2005-01-20T19:20:00.000-08:00

"It comes alive, it comes alive, and I die a little more. It comes alive, it comes alive, it's cold in here, and I die a little more. It's the unnamed feeling, that comes alive, And the unnamed feeling treats me this way, And I wait for the strength, to hold onto the life, And the unnamed feeling, it takes me away!"

"As I clear my mind enough to see, Decaying pieces of my being that have fallen on me, I find the one clean cut that has given the wrath, Beneath the deep and cleansing fire that is shaping the path, I've had all my life to fall in place, I watch all my past in right decay, And with every step that shames my face, I see all my pieces catch ablaze"

Today was good for the most part, but you know those days where the demon of Loneliness grasps your heart and vows to never let go? Well that started again. I will do everything in my power to once again vanquish my demons, and return them to the darkness that I am trying to escape. Only one thing can push me the extra length. And it's the 1 thing this Inhuman Entity is working on me for. Heh

"Lay beside me, tell what they've done, say the words I want to hear, and make my demons run."

"What I've felt, what I've know, turn the pages, turn the stone, behind the door, should I open it for you? What I've felt, what I've known, sick and tired, I stand alone, Could you be there? Cause I'm the one who waits for you, or are you unforgiven too?"

"I turn it back and question everything in site. It's like I try to fall again when everything is going right. And everything that matters isn't everything in site. It's taking every bit of me to keep this all inside. I've never been the type to turn my back and run. It's just never appealed to me to be the same as everyone. And when it comes to shove, and I can't see you through the black, I'm going to scream your name till you come back!"

"When passion is lost, and all the trust is gone. Way too far, Fall way too long."

"Hold the hand, of your best friend. Look into their eyes, and watch them drift away"

Listening To: Mudvayne - A World So Cold

Highlight of the Day: Seeing Kat was still there, in the head I mean. And talking to Mandy again, she always makes me feel good about myself.

Lowpoint of the Day: Just read my actual entry.

My Own

I was always a little crazy,
Believing the unbelievable,
Grasping for the unreachable,
Trying to create the unconceivable.

You were the reason I gave up hope
Why I was unstable now and then.
You just yelled and screamed,
And threw me into the dead spot again.

But it’s nothing different,
From my ordinary life,
It’s dark and cold in here,
Like the whole that’s now inside.

So I have an eternity now, So…
I wish for a place to lye,
So I can live in loneliness.
So I can scream in pain and cry.

My own self longing,
For my own little dimension.
But in the place of this world,
I find my own dementia.

"How can I live without you?"

2005-01-19T12:07:00.000-08:00

"Do you think of me? Do you dream of me? I always dream about you"

"Finally we're covered, the moon is bright, Looking up into the neon sky, this side of me takes over, it's been too long, SINCE THE LAST THAT I TRIED TO FLY! Finally I find, where I lose control, inside my body crumbles, it's therapy, for my broken soul, inside my body crumbles. Undernieth the moment, we get away, from the tragedies of everyday, No vital question, and never doubt, EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OK!"

"I don't ever want to be the one to make you forget it, I never wanna be the one to make you resent it. I never want to be the one who makes you regret that..it's the beginning of the end and I don't know where we lost control, It's the beginning of the end and I know that I am all alone"

Today, has been pretty good so far. But then again, what day lately hasn't been? I'm lifted on angels wings I guess...and I pray; beg that I never come down. Still haven't talked to Kat for a while. I hope she gets her internet back soon. :( On a bright side, I talked to Mandy again today, I thought that it'd be a long time before I did, she must really love being at her friends house. lol And talking to her will keep my head above the rushing water that is Life. But besides that, I doubt that anything else will happen today. So, I'm updating it at 2:30 in the afternoon.

"Some kind of evidence, some kind of reason, Where I can find a way, to be in my life."

"Sun doesn't rise at all. Who knows how far, I'll fall? With eyes wide open, watch me watch my world evolve, nothing's left to cry for, just some things to make me crawl for...Make me drop onto my knees...Break me down until I question me, Something can destroy my drive...Sun doesn't rise at all. Who knows how far, I'll fall?"

Listening To: Slipknot - Snap

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Mandy. It's always a joy when she's around. :P

Low point of the Day: NOT talking to Kat.

This isn't actually a song. It was meant to be half of a song that I was writting with a friend, but it never worked out. So...I kept it and it's not kind of like a poem.

My Song

Cults of dirt and water.
You're such a cat of nights.
You hate me so badly,
I can feel that blood flowing.

It drops into a a puddle,
One composed of dust and rot.
Don't look or fall to a pillar of salt.
My purpose lost in what I've sought.

Embers flow through my hair,
One thing you could have never baired.
Acid tipped toungue you spoke with.
Searing the flesh of everyone you mentioned.

SPEAK TO ME!
COMPLAIN!
I've been waiting for it.
I need a taste of your horror.
I cling to the face as I fall into this place.

I'M WAITING!
SO PATIENTLY!
Can we not just skip to the end?
For comfort, For silence.
FOR YOUR DECAYING CLIENTS!

"It's safe to say, I was never alive, a big part of me has died"

2005-01-16T20:13:00.000-08:00

"I'm alive, for you, I'm awake, Because of you, I'm alive, For you I'm awake..."

"Turn your back; unveiling me, Taking a step back so I can breathe. Hear the silence about to break, fear resistance while I'm awake"

"Hard to find, how I feel...Please someone help me"

Today was pretty good in a change for the better. Sure, yesterday was pretty good. But you can never not get better. I'm not entirely sure WHY today was good. But I got up early, and I hope I'm a better sleep schedule now, and it was sunny? XD Who cares? If I'm feeling good, do really I need a reason?

"Can't find the answer, I've been crawling on my knees, looking for anything, to keep me from drowning, promises have turned to lies. Can't even be ourselves inside, I'm running backwards, watching my life waving goodbye, running blind."

"Searching for nothing, wondering if I'll change, I'm trying everything, but everything still stays the same, I thought that if I should you I could fly, I wouldn't need you by my side, I'm crawling backwards, on broken wings I know I'll die...running blind. Somebody help me see, I'm running blind"

"Decisions made from desalation, no way to go, Internal insticts, craving absolation, for me to grow. My fears, come alive, in this place where I once died, Demons dreaming, so alied, I just needed to Realign. Now in a river of illusion, they'll never see, Drowning in a self induced confusion, I'd rather be..."

"Fly away, away to me. You're lookin down again, just let it be. And I'll only do for you, what you to for me"

"Listen to the rain, falling day by day by day, I hear you calling, the voices are here again. I hear you wisper, taking control of me. Watch the dancing shadows run away. All alone once again...Afraid"

Listening To: Godsmack - Asleep

Highlight of the Day: I don't know, there was a lot of good things today. I finally started talking to another person from TSH. Well, on messenger anyways, he's pretty cool. And of course, talking to Mandy. And...It being sunny? lol. Ok, not too many. But enough.

Lowpoint of the Day: I still don't have any heater. *Shrugs*

Actually...today is an old poem I wrote about God...During my "War"

My Guide

He is my guide…
My light to my walkway…

When I think of how I will be lonely all my life,
I see that he won’t allow me to be.

When I am lost…
And don’t know which way to go,
He leads me in the right direction.
When I lose someone and don’t have someone to talk to…

He is always there.

Please, hold my hand again...and tell me that you'll be by my side til the end...

2005-01-15T19:19:00.000-08:00

"I'm taken home, and you're still here, I'll clear your mind...and dry your tears, we'll take our voices, with out hands, we'll make like knives, we'll made demands...I'm not ready to fade, I'm not ready to lay...I'm not ready to die!"

Today was...like yesterday, very cold. Still don't have any heater...But the day could be a lot worse. I missed Mandy today, she IMed me twice, and I was endulging in sleep. V_V Sorry. I...talked to Lauren also, she's always a fun to talk to, even though I only talk to her like once every week. Which reminds me, I haven't talked to Dorie in a long time either. Wait, I'm not talking, I'm just writting crap down. I need to stop now. XD

"She is everything and more, the Solemn Hypnotic, My Dahlia, Bathed in Possession, she is Home to me..."

"You know I'm trying to believe, that you're never going to leave, It's something I don't want to face, I don't want to face..."

"I know I'm not the perfect one, this pain has just begun. It's something I already chased, I already chased. You bring me to a better path, it's everything I lack..."

Listening To: Demon Hunter - Our Faces Fall Apart

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Lauren...about whatever we talked about. *Shrugs* My memory sucks, what can I say?

Low point of the Day: Talking to Paul, I hate that bastard! lol, j/k Only thing that was really bad about today is that I missed Mandy, and that was REALLY bad. But I know she wouldn't want me beating myself up for it.

My Apocalypse

Am I dreaming?
Am I high?
Or am I about to,
Begin my life?

We thought our lives were so perfect…
Like we had a purpose.
Let me deliver my message,
And then I will fade.

The days are evil.
So I provide the time,
Either bow down before them…
Or free your mind.

If I have nothing to say,
Why does it feel like my mouth is open?
If the world is against us,
Why does it seem to be sobbing?

We have always been wanting, needing, feeling.
It’s been killing me…
To have to tell you that it has all been a dream.

I used to live my life about to break down.
But now I live soundly,
For I know that it is fake now.

"I'm there, for you. No matter what. I'm there, for you. Never giving up"

2005-01-14T16:25:00.000-08:00

"I'm there, for you. No matter what. I'm there, for you. Never giving up, I'm there for you...FOR YOU!"

"Can you feel it, The perfect day, Scratch the leaved, The paper tears, The world I'm feeling start giving away. A perfect day, A perfect day!"

Indeed, today, was pretty good, I picked up my RE4 copy, haven't played it yet, just happy to have it. lol. And...I got some I hoped for. I don't know how to explain it without saying something I shouldn't.

"Hello lady, She takes my hand, Delicate features in this rain, I lose everything, Can I dream, The voices scream, The voices shout!"

"So we finally gave up, The Meanings tend to give out, The Time was gone to act out, But Here I am and I’m still living ."

Listening To: 12 Stones - Let Go

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Kitten and also talking to Mandy and hearing and hoping for good things. I'm praying everything will result in good things hun. :)

Low point of the Day: MY DAMN HEATER OVERHEATED!!!!! XDXDXDXD

This next poem is one I made that was supposed to be a song, about Pop Musik. lol

Motherculture Revolution

Fear leaving my mind.
Lone wolf of this age,
Scared that my emotions are lost,
I was exiled for my sage.

Deny I even exist, In your eyes I am not real.
And to you, I am just another fake.
What constitutes being real?
I feel sorrow and I eat the ache.

False to the world and nothing more.
Now in my trench I hide away.
This is the bottom of the "real" world.
Inside this hole they’ve dug I stay.

They see us as nothing but cattle.
I don’t have to, or even want to, be on top.
Each and everyone of us the same…
Just close their mouths, and make them stop!

Now…how do you like me?
To them I appear as a new menace.
A fight for myself it seems,
I will not back away, nor grimace.

Hopefully I am not alone in my revolt.
This is the time for the new revolution.
Rise with me, or fall from attraction.
Am I truly the only one looking for a solution?

"Feeling like a freak on a leash, feeling like I have no release"

2005-01-13T23:47:00.000-08:00

"She seems dressed in all the things, of past fatalities, so fragile, yet so deviant...she consumes me"

"She is everything and more, the solemn hypnotic, my dahlia bathed in possesion...she is home to me"

Today was...Bleh. Wasn't bad, wasn't good. Still haven't gone and picked up my copy of RE4 yet. I think I'm going to bail on my Dad for this weekend so I can 1. Get the game and 2. go shopping and get a hair cut.

"She isn't real, and I can't make her real"

"I am, so unlike you, in so many ways. I know, I'm just copy, that carries on the pain. Why?! We make the same mistake. Why?! We are one in the same, Why?! We stand behind the same. I CANNOT SEPERATE! All the life in me, all the time in me, How Can I Live Without You"

Listening To: Ministy - N.W.O

Highlight of the Day: Uh...I didn't go through with suicide? lol

Low Point of the Day: Again, Mandy was on and IMed me and I missed her. Besides the fact that I am all alone it seems.

Metamorphosis

I want to release it…
But it won’t allow this.
So I bottle it again,
And act like everything is fine.

I will once again change,
Go through a metamorphosis,
With my eyes covered,
Dodging all of these cliffs.

You are the only one to return.
I have grown accustomed to that feeling…
The ice will ignite…spouting sparks.
The change is almost complete.

You have broken everything.
And I can’t feel anything.
Don’t break out…Don’t bring me down.
Don’t ever turn around.

Like a bat out of Hell, I’ve introduced you to my flame.
Stay here…And watch me blaze.
Everything has led up to this,
But there is still one thing left; Regret.

"These 5 words in my head scream 'Are we Havin Fun yet?!'"

2005-01-13T00:47:00.000-08:00

"Never made it as a wise man, couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing, and this how, you remind me of what I really am"

"The Jury is coming, coming to tear me apart, all this bitching and moaning! Come on, it's on. I'm trapped in this world, slowly I'm fading, heart broke and waiting, for you to come. We are stuck in this world, that's not meant for me...For Me"

Today...well today sucked actually. For undisclosed reasons of course...*Rolls eyes* Emotions in a shattered bottle in other words. *Is pretty much just posting to get a poem posted* And I think I'm going to add a "Low Point of my Day" to this.

"I'm over it, You see I'm falling in the vast abyss. Clouded by memories of the past, at last I say...'I hear it fading, I can't speak it, or else you will take my place, demons finding, always winding, take my hand now...BE ALIVE! I'm over it, why can't we be together everyday? Leaving so long, taking over mass. At last I fade"

"Why won't you die? Your blood in mine, We'll be fine. Then your body, will be mine."

"So many words, can't describe my face, these feelings evolve, they soon will break out, I can't relate, to happy face, feeling the anger inside."

"Why is everything so fucking hard for me?! Keep me down to what you think I should be. Must you temp me and provoke the ministry?! Keep on trying, I won't die so easily"

"They say I cannot be this, I am jaded, Hiding from the day. I cannot bare, I cannot tame the hunger in me. They say I did it, always searching, you can't fuck with fate, so instead you'll taste my pain!"

"Watching, waiting, alone without a care. Hoping, and hating, the things that I can't bare. Did you it's cool to walk right up, to take my life and fuck it up, well did you?! Well did you...? I see hell in your eyes, taken in by surprise, touching you, makes me feel alive...touching you, makes me die inside"

Listening To: Deftones - House of Flies

Highlight of the Day: Seeing TSH Florish

Low point of the Day: Seeing that Mandy IMed me, and I was asleep. *Hits himself* But that's small in this day...I am very sorry for how you feel right now Kat...and I am praying for you.

Love Exists Pt. 1 & 2

Pt. 1: Love exists!

For such a long time, I've been so alone.
My heart empty because I am cold.

I had lost faith in God and man,
Nothing was left for me on the World
I could barely stand.

And then you were there.
After a night of me praying my final love prayer.

You filled me with a feeling that I had never thought existed.
You closed that gap in my heart that was dismissed.

You open my eyes so I can see,
It was you that showed me how to be me.

So pleasant, so good it feels unreal
But no deception in this ordeal,
It's all what I have been begging to feel.

I'm not sure you know how much you are to me.
I always said that if I found someone who like me for who I was,
I would never let go, and hold onto them forever.

I understand if you want to end it all.
That maybe when you got into this,
You didn't expect a life commitment.

Pt. 2: But isn't for me?

I wish I could just close my eyes,
Take back all I said and hide the feelings inside.
But they needed to be undone,
Even so, don't let this be the end

I said my thoughts,
But no difference was made.
They were left unheard.
I'm so sorry for your heartache.

Hesitation burns,
Rejection hurts,
But Silence Kills.
What will I do to refill?

Again it shows that I am not worthy.
No one deserves this pain through me.
No one will meet me with loving arms
I deserve no one like you.

So it seems I'm not on the list to survive,
Think about Hell when I cry...
Open your hearts, not your minds,
I fall to the floor and wait to die.

Take my heart,
Blood which will spew,
I cut the valves,
I runnaway from you.

"This I pledge, and I'll take it to my death, I'd lay my life down for you and die over again"

2005-01-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

I just got home from my Dad's after 3 days...I love going over there, but sometimes it's too much I guess. XD I haven't forgotten about anyone. In fact, I didn't see Kitten on today. *Sigh* But I DID get to talk to Lauren. Thanks for listening. lol. Now the best way to end a night would be if Mandy signed on. *Crosses Fingers*

EDIT: Not that it'd matter anyways, my connection went out. :(

"Never opened myself this way, life is ours, we live it our way, all these words, I don't just say...and nothing else matters. Trust I seek, and I find in you, Everyday for us, something new, Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters. Never cared for what they do, never cared for what they know, but I know...So close, no matter how far, Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever, trust in who we are, and Nothing Else Matters."

But all in all, I'll survive whatever...anyone throws at me, unless they play on my trust. That hurts the most. So anyone who reads this, just lead me to believe that you care more about me then you just do, that'll kill me eventually.

"Hold my breath as I wait for death, please God wake me!"

"It's the unnamed feeling, that comes alive. It's the unnamed feeling, that treats me this way"

"It's all over, it's all over now. Dreams broken, creatures spoken out. I hope you come home, to heaven right now. It's all over, it's all over now. Can I be changed? Or am I the same?"

Listening To: Seether - Driven Under

Highlight of the Day: It was either eating Sub-Way or talking to Lauren...hm...*Gets out the scale* Hm...Nah, lol. Of course it was talking to her.

Lost Love

No Matter where I am,
You are there.

Whether in a dream,
Or in a vision…

Even if I feel alone,
You’re there.
Even though you’re close to me,
I feel so alone.

It is the way of the heart,
And I will never feel you.

I can’t see you,
But you’re the voice inside my head.

When I’m wrong,
You correct me.
Cause I can’t add up what you can.

Forever lost,
But never found.
I love your presence…
I love your sound.

"I'm searching for reasons, to keep away the demons, and I'd die again...For you"

2005-01-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

"There are many paths to trail, through shadow, through the edge of night, until the stars are all aligned"

"Well momma told me, when I was young, 'Sit beside me, my only son, and listen closely, to what I say, and if you do this, it'll help you, some sunny day. Oh, take your time, don't live too fast, troubles will come, and they will pass, you'll find the woman, and you'll find love, and don't forget that, there is a someone...up above"

Let us hope Momma was right, cause today, I was doing ok, but then it turned into one of those days that I just feel like I'm all alone in this world. Sometimes, you can only help some many people before you start feeling alone yourself. *Sigh* I'd do anything to have what so many have felt...Love

"I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut, my weakness is, that I care too much. And my scars remind me, that the past is real, I tear my heart open, just to feel..."

"I carry the weight of the world, and the past is untold, but I won't stop to wonder. Going through this life on my own, will make me cold as stone, As I start going under...I'd love to tell you this, but I don't know how. Cause I'm caving in, and I'm falling out. And I can't resist, and I can't rebound, with the weight of the world, as the world falls down"

But, I believe that God will make me find someone, or maybe I already have. I can't tell, because the future is one thing that none of us can see. It sucks in some ways, but in others...it's for the best.

Listening To: RA: Do You Call My Name?

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Mandy again, even if it was a short while. At least I had 1 good friend to talk with.. I hope she's ok though. O_O She just went off all of a sudden.

Ironicly enough, today I talked with J about this poem. He liked it...*Shrugs*

Living Corpse

You say that I should have died.
That it would have given me a better life…
But to you I am deceased.
Reincarnated in a more powerful beast.

My new life forged in flame.
Fueled by your sinful name.
When cooled, I turn hard like metal.
But my blood will never settle.

You called me a freak of nature.
I am better off a freak then a servant of hatred.
Forget the prince, this side of me is the Knight of Darkness.
I am the spirit who is and was always considered heartless.

My mouth is filled with putrid smell of death.
And my tail made of hate itself.
That smell that protrudes from my chest, that stench that is so acrid…
Is the sole thing left in this forsaken body, that is still considered sacred.

I only wish my life could last another generation,
To go on fighting against your arising temptations.
But during my war against every one of your creations,
I never felt as if I was winning, even after killing, it left me no elation.

To all the weak of mind, to all the ones who do not believe.
Try to create what I have and see what you can conceive.
Here is a piece of my ruin, a flowering bloom, my kingdom.
I forgive you for all of your sickening ways; here is your freedom.

"Lift me up, I'm cold; So Hollow"

2005-01-05T00:34:00.000-08:00

Don't even mind that last entry. Oh wait, that's right, no one did...besides one person, and now she's mad at me for something that I did no wish upon her.

"You can make me dream eternally"

But one thing is right about the last entry, I can't think of hardly anyone who DOES care if I am left in this place.

"I've been demonstrated and brought down, dropped to me knees when hope ran out. The time has come to take my leave...On this day, I see clearly. Everything has come to life. In a place, in a broken dream. And we could leave it all behind. On this day, It's so real to me. Everything has come to life, Another chance, to take a dream...Another chance to feel, a chance to feel alive"

"There's no one else, since I found you, I know it seems so hard, but you should know...If I Die Tomorrow, As the minutes fade away, I can't remember, Have I said all I can say? You're my everything, you make me feel so alive, If I Die Tomorrow?"

Listening To: Submersed - Hollow

Highlight of the Day: Waking up and realizing that there is still air flowing through my lungs

Light's Dark

Nothing to live for…
Nothing more for me.
Everything is lost.
I’ve forgotten how to breathe.

I have lost the will,
I had it when I was in the light.
Taking the luminescence for granted.
In the darkness, I have lost my sight.

Reach for the brightness.
Still slipping in the dark.
Will I find my way?
Or am I damned to be lost?

Loneliness is hard and cold.
Stuck in this hole by myself,
I’m getting hungry for another’s love.
But, I’m alone, with no one else.

This pain I feel here is familiar.
I have a sense of comfort in this agony.
Through everything I’ve lived through.
I can almost feel the humor of the irony.

This place is an illustration in myself.
An illusion of a dark place in me; deep inside
Don’t forget about me, I’m alive still.
Please, come and lift the darkness; purify.

"You try to tell me that you love life!"

2005-01-02T01:05:00.000-08:00

"Didn't think so, It's not your fault. You're mentally disabled, I should pity you."

Today...it was a good day, a really good day. For being at TSH I got 1 day with the wish that I've had ever since I joined...I was an admin. But through false accusations and Missunderstandings, I was "Fucked out of a Prayer"...And by one of my best friends...Oh well "Sleep Brings relief, in a hope of a new day"

Listening To: Disturbed - Conflict

Highlight of the Day: Talking to my friends, I hope they are...I pray they are.

Left Without

I’m left without you,
You’ve gone so far from us.
I’m left without me…
And still, I never screech.

Forgive you?
Forsake me…
Fulfil this,
Unclip my wings,
Set me free.

Could you be there?
Or should I be the one who waits for you?
Did you turn your back too?

You left your touch in here,
But you went there,
I miss the smell…
I miss the feel of your hair.

I waited all my life,
For my awaiting,
For my awakening,
Not for my unexpected quickening.

Was I right?
Was I wrong?
Tell me to turn the page…
To finish the song.

Was it you?
Was it me?
Is this my chance,
To turn and see.

Without your touch and breath.
Am I destined to survive?
Will I fade into myself again?
Even dreams are meant to stay alive.

No one actually cares if I'm there...no one reads this blog. My only friends are over a line the will not remain forever, and today I was proven that things aren't always what they seem to be. And in the end...a quote from a movie comes to mind..."Death....is the only way out"

"Can't focus through the veins, and I am fading into nothing"

2004-12-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I'm putting an entry in, just felt like it I guess. Today was very boring, I didn't get to talk to many of my friends. XD Tomorrow I get to take back Christmas gifts and exchange them! Yay...Not many to take back though, just a DVD and a Camera.

Shoutout to Kat...I miss talking to you everyday you're gone. But, don't come back if you don't feel up to it! :P

Shoutout to Stevie...lol. Haven't talked to you in a month or so, can't tell if you're trying to avoid me, but whatever. Just block me and delete my SN then. ;) But if NOT, get on damnit! XDXD

Listening To: Demon Hunter - My Heartstrings Come Undone

Hightlight of the Day: Talking to Shelley

It Never Felt That Good

I am melting.
My hands are falling away.
Dripping down onto my feet.
The friction in my life started this.

If I could understand what happened.
I could have changed this event.
From a spot of day, and a handful of night.
My pot is boiling out onto the ground.

If I do this once again,
I’ll end up at the same place.
Blood soaked and none left in my veins.
Is this what I’ve become?

Like a band from my deep down,
Slowly and silently, I play my violin,
My demons are stringing up theirs too.
Brick by Brick this cellar is built for us.

Alone in my own darkness,
Again everything fades away,
And I feel what I lost long ago,
Dream while I'm awake, daydreaming my demise.

My life was a rotten boil,
I was cracking up,
My suffering was about to erupt.
In this dream world, I can live.

I can't seem to recognize,
That stare behind my eyes...
The blur is alive itself,
So far down within myself.

The past is the future; my sky is my abyss.
Turn the page; Flip the stone,
I am forced to live through this,
Cold, Scared, Tired, and Alone.

"I'll be on one last breath just before this death"

2004-12-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

So, This IS 1 day after Christmas, and I am feeling a lot of the same as I did last time. I wish all of these feelings would cease for a single day, or at least I'd be truly happy once before I decay into the wind. Well, Christmas was good. I got home from my Dad's at 11 PM Christmas Eve, didn't get to sleep till 2:30, then woke up at 6. That put me in a VERY grumpy mood and pissed off a lot of people. Cool, huh? :D

Listening To: Demon Hunter - Summer of Darkness

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Kat, Meghan. Mandy, Olly, Jennie, Shelley, Laura, Lauren...and everyone else that I can say would at least wonder what happened to me if I disappeared.

It Is Time

Then am I just your puppet?
You have a time for my rising.
I have a definite purpose.
Why don’t you put me in the game?
Isn’t it time I start playing?

My place in time is short,
I need to feel the satisfaction.
Please! Let me live my life,
And allow me to pick my obsessions.

Release me from your frozen fist, your cold hold.
Don’t even say that it isn’t time.
Let go, so I can hear you say sorry.
Unlock the pen so I can run, walk, climb.

I want to know, to even feel the world.
Let me feel the flesh rip, I want to be torn.
To hold on to the emotion of being sold.
But if you don’t let me go, I’ll remain stillborn.

I want; I must feel what it’s like to change.
In a glow of wisdom, I shall engage.
Consume the fire that you have endowed.
Breathe with unmoving lungs.

If I was released from my demons,
I could expect to see a change in seasons.
I would experience the deepening rod.
Oh please…release me God

"It's been awhile...Since I could hold my head up high"

2004-12-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

Yes it has. But oh well. Anyways, it HAS been awhile since I updated. Like I said, a lot of emotions yada yada blah blah.

Listening to: My CD Drive Running

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Kat, Meghan, and Jordan

Internal Stain

Such a good time,
A feeling of joy for a change.
But there is still a tear inside.
One that's a stain upon my soul.

Dreams are made from winding,
Through our mindful webs.
Visions are brought to our favor...
Through our poetic minds.

Tainted from the demon of death.
I wonder if this heartache will fade
The only thing to do is cover it up,
And hide it inside of my love.

Nothing's holy...
Everyone's folly.
I still won't kneel.
To a serpent like you.

Dig my own grave full of bodies.
Demon Slayer to the fullest.
Devil Predator known to you.
Fall to your knees and beg for a clean death.

Say goodbye to the sun,
Cause you're going back down.
You laughed at me, but I'm still alive.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW?!

"God knows how many times I've tried"

2004-12-18T03:33:00.000-08:00

I've had a couple emotional days lately...let us state that I'm just very confused Emotion wise.

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Mandy...she's really fun to talk with. :)

Listening to: Stone Sour - Myself

Insomniac's Dream

The Dreams of an Insomniac are pure fear,
Usually awaken by a tear.

They seem to be a nightmare made by the truth,
But they come as daydreams to soothe.

Curses become blessings,
And Lies become Clothing.

These Lies have hidden you from Reality,
But he doesn’t trust you, you are just another me.

The Shadows consume your soul,
Leaving nothing but some useless coal.

Bring your pain to me…
If you want me to kill you from this way.

So, you want to know how?
Come, or he will add you to his fire now!

Stand the pain,
Or he’s gonna Reign.
So bring your claim to Fame,
And maybe he will fade.

"Fear in me so deep, it gets the best of me"

2004-12-14T01:32:00.000-08:00

Today was...another day. Wasn't too great, a lot of cool things happened, but I have nothing to feed this hunger. I'm afraid at times, that it will never go away, and my emotions will take me. Only time they subside is when I'm happy, and that's not that often. It takes a lot for me to be truly happy. Maybe in another day, another life I shall find true happiness.

Listening To: TRUSTcompany - Downfall

Highlight of the day: Talking to Angel, CK, Da, Kon, and a couple new people

Infected

Stop it, Stop this.
Though all you’ve said,
I’m still paralyzed…
I’m infected with you,
The medicine won’t take effect.
Pull the plug already,
Tell me before I die, that you’re infected with me.

You don’t know me,
All of them can’t see what I can.
They keep lying to themselves.
They don’t see the wicked and the damned.

Through the constant assuming…
The bickering is annoying.
Fix yourself before improving on me,
After you fix your losses, then you might see.

Take me from my house,
Push me on my way,
Save me from myself.

Cold and alone through my journey,
This pathway is too long without somebody.
No one will follow me; No one will be there.
It’s quite now that I know that they don’t care.

I’m drifting back and forth again…
In and out of a world of torment.
Which is real, which is just obscene?
Which is my "accused" dream?

Sat Ur Day

2004-12-11T16:06:00.000-08:00

Woke up today at 5:27, and didn't get back to sleep til 8....that was hard. Anyways, I wake up at 4 later on in the day. That was annoying. But it's been a long time (Kind of) since I made an entry. And it's good to come back to...well nothing. O_O

First off, I'm really sorry to hear the bad new Stevie. Very sorry...But you know that I am always here for you. :) In whatever way you want me to be. ;) *Rolls eyes* I've missed talking to you. :(

Secondly, Glad to see you back to your old Gitterish Self Doris. lol. Happy to hear your good news, kind of good anyways. *Shrugs*

Third, Shout out to Angel...it's been fun talking to you for the last several days. :D And I consider you my friend.

And...that's about it. Besides the fact that I've been down a lot lately.

Listening To: Korn - Alone I Break

Highlight of the Day: Talking to everyone. Thanks...everyone.

How It Could Have Been

As I walk into this new place
I recognize some faces staring at me,

Hear voices speaking bad about me...
And yet I march on

In this hall of paranoia,
Thinking about how it could have been different.

Then, I think of what it would have been like if it weren’t this good,
This New World of hate and pain seems to be everlasting.

Closing in on me, making me worry.
Sometimes I felt that no one liked me and I shouldn’t have came back.

Then, once again, I realize how bad it could have been...
So instead of thinking how I can change these days,
I thank God for these mysterious ways.

"Hard and Silent, But Softly Breaking...No Beloved, to comfort me"

2004-12-07T01:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I woke up, took a shower, and left to my great grandmother's funeral. She was 90, and the night she passed away, I just...knew. My Mom told me in the morning and I remember feeling something change at Midnight that night, she died at 12:04 AM. Anyways, we got there and they had one of those complimentary Picture DVDs with background Music, and the pics made me remember times when she wasn't so helpless. We all kind of thought that she was a burden. Well at least in a way that it was hard to talk to her since she couldn't hear that well. But, I was always something special to her. I was one of the last people she recognized after he second to last stroke.

I refused to see the body, the fascination with us and the dead body of a loved one is astounding. We must see it one last time, and we MUST have it burried somewhere nice. When someone passes away, it's nothing more then an old shell, a form of a life you loved that has gone. Anyways, I refused to see the body because the night before all I could think of was how sad I was that I didn't attend my best friend's funeral because they are acrossed the country. He died of cancer, and I wanted to be there for his family, which I also knew. Now then...when the pastor told us that she said that the memorial money that someone would send to the family, would be redirected to St. Jude's... I almost lost it. How Ironic was that? :(

Next we walked out to when they were lowering her into the ground. And something special about the services, they release 12 Doves for a Christian family to symbolize her soul going to heaven. Right after the first bird flew off, a movie quote came to mind. Not like...remembering it, but like it was just there..."Not goodbye, I don't like goodbyes...See You Later" I cried no more after that, In fact I probably had a slight smile on my face after that. While walking back to the Family Limo thing, I came accross a tombstone...with the name of "Job". That's how my mom compaired all the stuff I went through. Even with all of my tragedies in my life, I did not give up my faith.

And then...I came home and for a change, did something that made me happy...also known as talking to friends. lol. They can always make you forget about the bad things going on in your life. "Sadness will come and go, but friends...friends are eternal"

Highlight of the Day: Well talking to my friends of course! :D

Listening to: Disturbed - Bound (Live)

Heartaches

I hear it again…
The sound of the inevitable.

It sings my name,
And tells me that I am doomed.
Stabbing into my withering soul as I cry out.

No one can hear me though,
The cry goes out,
But nothing comes back.

And I am left in the cold, dark position of loneliness.
Stumbling around in the dark.
Searching for the meaning.

I need to break away,
But I can’t see,
Why everyone is looking at me.

My sunshine comes from the dark.
My hope comes from the soul,
My rage comes from the spark,
And my love comes from the whole.

Oh...SOB!

2004-12-05T23:46:00.000-08:00

I'm so confused. I thought Shane was really mad at me and crap. And our friendship, like I said earlier, was gone. Not only that, I "Made up" or whatever. I realized that she's not depressed, it's all Stress and crap. Usually, I'd see this as denile, but it's just that all the Drama, I don't blame her honestly.

This is just an update to last entry...:P

"Can't make this all go away"

2004-12-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

Today was...another day, another time. Depression comes and goes, confuses me a lot of the time. And I'm constantly afraid I'll say something I find harsh to someone I care about. XD Seems Shane is pissed off at me, that's a friendship that is gone. Doris, the person I grew to know, and love as a friend, wasn't real...Two of my best friends down the hole. At least I've still got Kat, Meghan, and of course Stevie. 5-2=3(2)=6...HE returns.

While searching for Parapsychology College Courses, I found a brief site on normal Psychology, and if I can't get into Paranormal Investigation, I might just check that out! :D

Listening To: Evanescence F. Paul McCoy - Bring Me To Life

Highlight of the Day: Talking to 3 of my best friends...only thing good period. *Shrugs*

Ghosts

Apparitions flood my life,
Forever haunting me.

Vision of the knife.
On that fateful day,
The Children were wearing crowns.

Unable to explain the feeling that overcomes me.
Cold sweat drowns the fear.
Without fear, everything becomes clearer.

Ghosts of the underworld…
Surround my quivering soul.

Another dream of blood and murder…
Sprits reach out to me,
To let their presence known.

Pills mean more visions.
Sleep means more dreams.
Nothing is normal for me.
Why shall I wait and flee?

"Wake up, Save me, Play dead, and just maybe...you're better off this way"

2004-12-04T23:35:00.000-08:00

I woke up late today. XD Something like 2 PM. Today was good...most of it, for the times I was awake. I got to talk to Kat and Meghan over Messanger again. And not only that, I got the music on the blog, finally!

Edit: I feel...different. I don't like the change. I'm happy about "my decision", but I wish that I was more selfish

Listening To: Salava - Razor's Edge

Highlight of the Da y: Talking to Stevie again, It's ALWAYS a joy when I talk to her. :)

Games

Look at these fingers,
Can you say you would hold them?
How can you say that life goes on?
In a seperate moment, I'd be gone.

The sun shines through my room,
Blind again...though nothing's worse
My voice raspy with a new tone.
Speaking to myself, again alone.

The temperature slowly rises,
Changing my sadness to anger
Turning the ice to fire..
Then to mist over my desire.

What was once completed,
What I thought was over,
Is just now starting to begin.
But this game I am destined to win.

Dead like the leaves on trees.
Deceased with the flesh on my teeth.
I have made my final decision...
That I will no longer let you beat me into submission.

The darkness lightens,
The white fades to dark red...
I promised that you would never be forsaken.
I held up my half, now I deserve redemption.
If nothing more then actual recognition...

"Finally I'm Fine, when I lose control, Inside my body crumbles."

2004-12-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

I woke up today, did nothing. Talked to a couple people. That's about it. I'm beginning to get sick of it all...

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Kat and Meghan. Can't wait to come visit you guys. :D

Listening To: Marilyn Manson's Redeemer

"They say I cannot be this, I am jaded, hiding from the day.
I can't bare, I cannot tame the hunger in me
Oh, I say I did and always searching, you can't fuck with me.
So instead you'll taste my pain."

Free From Myself

I want to be free…
Free from the wickedness

Of my own mind.
He came and took my freedom away,

Satan once again had his fun with my mind.
Making people mad at me and not wanting to listen,

But now I return and hope that it’s over.
But it might never be done,

Until I am Gone.
So I wait for the day,

That I may get rid of this demon plague
That annoys me and everyone else I love.

He has always been a thorn in my life.
And ever since he arrived,

My life has been bare, and bane.
But now I only wish he would die.

To leave from this world,
And return to the netherrealm,
That which he came.

"I've got the 5 Thousand Fingers of Death"

2004-12-01T23:29:00.000-08:00

...Fuck off

I woke up, tried talking to Doris, was for some reason cut out. Oh well, I'd try again later, she did the same thing. And now, she's pissed off at me. Whatever I did, sorry...but I somehow feel that this won't help. Not as mad as you are. :(

On a good note, Stevie was on so I got to talk to her. But it wasn't as good as it could have been...from recent events.

Highlight of the Day: Waking up...

Forgotten

It’s been to long,
Since the last time I wrote…
How I still hold on,
But it’s beginning to feel hopeless.

I survived for the sake of others,
I never lived for myself, of this I am sure.
But these people are forgetting,
I feel like there is no reason to live anymore.

So what am I?
One who lives to keep them happy?
So what do I do if I am forgotten…?
I guess I’ll fade away, ever so sadly.

For them, no memories of my love,
Or of how I mended in them which was broken.
Now I only exist to those who only think they know me,
And remain invisible to the ones before; disease stricken.

Yet another Tribute

2004-12-01T01:06:00.000-08:00

This one probably should have been posted awhile ago. Never thought of it I guess. Well, it's dedicated to Doris. Probably my Best friend online and off. Thanks Dorie. ;)

Listening to: Shadows Fall - What Drives The Weak

Highlight of the Day: Getting to talk to Doris, and seeing her somewhat herself again.

Thank You

Thank you…
Through the times of my return,
You were there to instruct me through my burns.

No possible way to pay you back,
There is no way to really show you.
But I think you know how hard it was to go through.

You opened your ears and mind to hear what I had to say.
When all you had to do was be there to listen.
But you all had allowed me to share my visions.

I know that this is a sad way to give my thanks,
It’s a short way to show my appreciation…
But the friendship you have shown has helped along my progression.

Ps...Missed you today Stevie. See you soon. :D *Runs away*

"I'm sick and tired of living this way, I'm sick and tired of being alone"

2004-11-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

I woke up today several times because I've had this neck pain thing that goes from my shoulder/neck to my ear. It hurts a lot, hope it's not serious.

I got to talk to Doris, I was happy about that. :) I really hope she's not mad at me or anything. She says she isn't, so I believe her. I also talked to Stevie too! And she gave me some cool clown pics of her. She's so pretty...>.>...I played around with my Image software, and that's all I really did today.

Highlight of the Day: Getting the "piccies"...WTF did you think?!

Listening To: 12 Stone's Crash

*:.:Warning: Explicit Language:.:*

Finally Snapped

Has she been forgotten?
Enraged for never seeing,
Where did my bride to be go?
Why did I never receive a lover?
Anyone, do you see the bullshit?
Anybody, feel the same thing I do?
Alone again on the day that matters.
I wish so hard that on this day I was dead, And you were alive.
At least then there would be someone to mourn my absence.
I’ve never wanted anything anymore then I needed her.
I was tricked out of a dream.
Fucked out of a Prayer that has gone unanswered.
Band together! Refuse this outcome,
Oh My God, I want this so bad.
So hated yet so loved to torture.
Damnation, Retaliation!
What does it take to be considered pissed?
How much does it take to break down?
What constitutes being sad?
Someone needs to help me out for I am possessed.
With these feelings of Hate and Loss.
I asked for someone and believed in her coming…
Now fucking deliver!

"All Alone I fall to peices"

2004-11-28T00:05:00.000-08:00

Today was an ok day, woke up, friend came over, we played Halo 2...I talked to some friends. ;)

Highlight of The Day: Talking to Doris again, and talking to Da some more :)

Listening To: Apartment 26's Give Me More

That's right Shane, I'm listening to Rock. *Rolls eyes*

Fear

I am afraid…
But I am afraid of nothing.
This is one of the main reasons I am worried.

Everything means nothing,
But at other times,
Nothing is everything.

But I am still unafraid.
So I fear the only thing that isn’t actually fearful.
Fear of nothing is my only fear.

Nothing to fear means nothing to love.
They say that fear brings other feelings.
And fear fills me again,

Filling me to the brim…

A Tribute

2004-11-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

Today...was just a normal day? I don't think so. Like Yesterday, I talked to Stevie...and was so happy to hear how well she is. She's the only person I've TRUELY, TRUELY cared about. And I'd do anything to see her happy. :D

Highlight of the Day: Talking to My Dahlia and hearing good things. :)

My Sun and My Moon

This feeling of regret comes over me,
Like a flash from a distant past of insanity.
Regret of an action that has yet come to pass.
And a sorrow for someone that incased in my heart.
But feels as if she could be contained in a prison of glass.

This person I have never met, but only felt.
But I will meet with this person.
All I am able to do is wait and believe.
That this person will be the one who I seek, the one who I need.

The time draws closer as her icy shackles are melting away,
The frozen tomb that which she lies is starting to run.
But the grave is another wall in my road.
Just another element to tear down,
Just another group of stories that were better left untold.

Soon they will be melted and my darling will be released.
She, would by my Golden Goddess, and I shall be her beast.
My Sun and my Moon, she would be,
One to control my warmth and the other to control my sea.
One to light my way by day, and one to guide my path by night.

She stood before me, knowing my face and my smile.
It was just plastered there, and remained for awhile.
My wait was not in vain, and my love had finally come.
Alone I am not, and never again.
When you say me, I say you.
We’re one is the same, the cure for our flu.

"Where's you crown King Nothing?

2004-11-23T23:54:00.000-08:00

I know, this is my second post today, I just wanted to say thanks to Doris, I got the comment button set up. :D So...Thank you. lol

Another thing is, If you might read this, I don't know if you will or not, GET ON MSN STEVIE! O_O

Listening to: Papa Roach's Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause I channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane All I can say is...

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shoulda' never come around
Why don't you just go home? '
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say
I tried I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

"Take a look to the sky just before you die, it's the last time you will!"

2004-11-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

If you read my blog yesterday, you'd have thought that I'd have slit my wrists, or the way I would actually do it, Snap my neck, by now...But too bad! :P To anyone who actually reads this stupid thing, Anything I say, will most likely be voided by the next day or so...

Today hasn't been that long yet. But I've gotten to talk to a couple friends I hadn't for awhile, and my best friend came back for a couple days. And he will be "Back" on December 11'th now. Hopefully I can get him to take me up to visit Aya and Chaos. ;)

Another cool thing, I'll be getting the code back for the Comments. XD

Highlight of the Day: Finding that my friend is back in town.

Dream

How did I get here?
I’m walking through these woods.
Mud between my feet.
Am I lost within a dream?

The ground is still wet with dew.
As if the moss was crying for the misfortune,
That has come to this world.
To this world molded out of my mind.

I look all around me…
And see the trees.
I see the leaves.
I could see the fog.

I try to walk, but only stumble.
Falling to the ground.
Feeling as if I am hit with something gigantic.
For a moment, my mind couldn’t take it.

What does it all mean?
Does it symbolize something?
My dream must be playing back something in my head.
I need to make sense of this.
Was there something that I missed?

"You fed me Orchids to give me courage. Though you're Constant By Fate"

2004-11-22T23:09:00.000-08:00

I had a fit of Rage/Sorrow today! I saw myself in the mirror and punched myself in the face, and now have a blackish eye. *Shrugs* That and I did tons of lifts with my weights...today wasn't a model day with me life. Considering my life is falling apart, again. Haven't talked to my father in nearly 3 months, all my friends have completely forgotten about me, My internet friends are ignoring me, my "Parents" care more about my Sister's 11 Year Old Basket then they do on how I am feeling, I've been crying a lot lately, a premanition of some sorts maybe? And to top it all off, I've come to the conclusion that this hole in this dark place will never be luminated and filled.

Highlight of the Day: Is this Revalation a highlight? You decide...

Distant Personalities

:.:The Different Colors Represent other Identities. The Red is myself like always:.:

I’ve got to run away,
Step away…
Break away…

I’ve got to find the just of me.
Search inside…
You will find what’s left of ME

My dark nights have always been empty.
Stumbling, tripping over myself in this passageway.

The long tunnel isn’t some far away place…
But a hole in my soul.

The flame from my sword has run out,
I need a light for this journey in my heart.

Searching to find which Personality best fits me…
I don’t ever seem to recognize myself…
These personalities are flooding my life.
And I have no idea which to choose.

One wants to me to kill,
Another to live…
Everyday another is conceived.
But everyday is another to refuse to believe.

All of these different thoughts and actions.
All of the many faces veiled by my pain.

If I argue with them…
I’ll never be able to accomplish anything.

If I can’t remember their ways.
Then I can never choose one to own.

While the words
"You’re lost…never will you be loved again."
Play over and over in my head.

I am sick with loneliness…
A plague that feeds on my own regrets.

But no matter how far you crawl…
Even if it’s not very far…
You are the my one…
And I’ll be here till the darkness breaks,
And you once again feel the Sun.

All of them just feel so far away…So distant.
And if I’m gonna die from their cancer….
I want to pass on by finding the answer.

"OH MY GOD!" Pulls glove to face "THIS! Is God"

2004-11-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

You know, I'd be proud of anyone that knows these quotes. Today was an ok day. Not too good, not too bad. I was really hoping that Stevie would have gotten on so I could talk to her. Oh well. She was on the other day and I couldn't have gotten on because our connection is too slow and sometimes won't connect to MSN. =/ Sorry Da.

But I DID talk to Doris again. Yeah, as good as that is, it's not that surprising. lol. And one of my RL friends that I used to be kind of close with...I really wish that life wouldn't have taken a veer sometimes. But...I also talked to Shane...Yayp. >.> And I talked to Don for a bit too.

Highlight of the Day: Talking to one of my former life's best friends. Good to talk to you again Ashley. :)

Listening to: Disturbed's Bound

Desperate Cry

Look at this,
I want to feel the warmth.

Look at me,
I want to feel the ecstasy of love.

Couldn’t you find it in your heart?
I ask of you to please, someday.

To let me find that which I have been looking for…
The love of someone who would always be there.

I beg of you,
Please, I need someone too…

If this was the last thing you ever did for me,
I would except that decision.

I would give up anything.
As long as I have someone.

Lord, I ask for someone that would take me as I am.
No, I beg…for someone that would hold my hand.
Love me forever, and hold me for always.

I want someone, who I can rely,
I ask for someone, who would be there…
Who would be there when I needed to cry?
The only one that would really care…

Uh oh...Spaghetti O's!

2004-11-19T23:42:00.000-08:00

I think Doris got in trouble tonight. O_O Best wishes go out that poor soul. lol. Sorry Dorie. Besides that, day went...like any other day. Boring, lonely, and anything else I forgot to say. No one is on MSN, so I am very bored.

Highlight of the day: *Shrugs* I dunno. I really do hope you are ok Doris. I'll be thinking about you. lol And someone that I really am praying for is Stevie, I hope you feel better and get back to yourself. :) Hope to see you both very soon

Demons of The Old

The Past plagues my unwilling soul,
Like a river,
Ever flowing…

These demons of the old,
These ghosts of the past,

They come into my soul,
Tearing out my memories…

And forever haunting me.
Through the tears and the sweat,

I dream of all that I have lost,
And the sorrows of tragedy bring forth life…

Life, from the demon world.

From the Underworld…
To the Netherrealm,
My soul is never set free.

Neither the souls of the others,
So they wait,
Wait for their Captive souls to be released.

So my story isn’t over,
The story of a lover,
And his undying yearning for love.

The love seems to be his only call,
His love,
Will inevitably be his falling…?

And if he shall wake,
In the life he hates,
He will look forward to the next vision,
And not fear that which will destroy him.

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes"

2004-11-18T23:26:00.000-08:00

Today was a sad day. Not for me, just everyone else. It's certainly a new feeling being on the other side for a change. *Shrugs* I didn't like that feeling...

Everyone that IS feeling this way, friend or just someone reading this, I want to say that if I am in some way responsible, I am sorry and I hope that you can forgive me. :(

Highlight: Only thing that was really GOOD...I made a new Border/Signature for AO. http://www.forums.animaorigins.com/

Days

We have nothing to loose,
Nothing to gain.
Live your lives separate of the main.

Life is too short to worry.
We all need to slow down,
What’s the big hurry?!

Stop our fighting…
Grumbling for power.
And think about surrendering.

These days are too short, too perishable.
We need to cherish them like they were our lasts.
To take the time to thank god for these days, and our final one also.

Why waste time according to someone else’s plan?
It’s you life and time.
Push them out of the light.
It’s now time for you to live in the lime.

I Hate my Connection

2004-11-16T19:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I really wanted to talk to Doris, Jordan, Don, Kat, and the rest of my friends I have not mentioned, and turns out...my connection was messed up in some way, they wouldn't get the Message for several minutes after I sent it. I didn't post last night because I was trying to figure it out. And today, same thing. I am calling Direcway tomorrow and yelling at them to either fix it or we will break the contract. Of course it's mostly bluffing, but they don't know that. And to Doris' post in her Blog...I'm sorry. :P

Highlight of the Day: Well nothing. Didn't do anything today but try and figure out what was wrong with my net.

Day and Night

During the day,
I have to turn away…

During the night,
My face is always bright.

The changes are hard to tell,
But the similarities are as Heaven to Hell.

These shades of night are broken,
And the glimmers of Daylight are forever spoken.

The heart of the light…
Is the recharge of my night.

The night brings marrow,
And the day brings the shadow.

Now…Dawn brings you,
Into me, through and through.

Blind by the night,
Now, frightened by your sight.
Hidden from the face,
That is too wicked to embrace.

"Are you scared? Devil without a cause..."

2004-11-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I was woke up by something better then my Mom or an Alarm Clock. And her name is Doris. Thank you for waking me up. :) And I am really happy that she wasn't mad at the way I treated her last night. I was out of line, it's just when I hear about people complain about their lives, the fact that my life hasn't been all dandilions and birthday cake either. But this day wasn't too bad. I got to talk to a couple friends that were on, and got some good news from Don that made both of us happy.

Highlight of the Day: Seeing that Doris is feeling better than she was the previous. I really hate seeing friends, or anyone, feeling depressed.

Dark Mirror

I don’t know what to say,
I trade hard to find someone to blame,
Why did things have to change?

What would this world be like without me?
I am nothing more then your failure.
But in my eyes, I am a savior.

What are you, made of stone?
How dare you say that I’m flesh and bone?
How dare you judge what you can’t see?

All day I write sorrowful poetry.
Now the gloves are off…I’m gonna make it.
I’m not gonna take it!

Do you understand me?
That I have reached what I have sought
Can you understand abstract thought?

I ask you once again…
Do you know why?
Your acts must be rectified.

I refuse to work for you any longer,
Each time you threw me down…
It only made me stronger.

All those times that you forced me,
Thank God I am still able to choose…
A living muse.

"I'll drive you down, I'll beat you to the ground"

2004-11-13T23:29:00.000-08:00

Today, well today I've actually only been up for and hour. But the chances of a full day ARE still in sight. ;) Yeah, I'm doing fine. Just HAD to post again, just to show that I'm not as sad as the last post made it out to be. *Shrugs*

Highlight of the Day: So far...talking to Jordan, Don, and my sweet thing aka Doris. ;) *Rolls eyes*

Listening To: Slipknot - Pulse of the Maggots

There's no reason,THERE'S no lesson, no time like the present
Tell me right now, what have you go to lose?
What have you got to lose, except your soul?
Who's With Me?!

(I fight) for the unconventional
(My right) and its unconditional
(I can only) be as real as I can
The disadvantage is I never knew the plan

(This isn't) just a way to be a martyr
(I can't) walk alone any longer
(I fight) for the ones who can't fight
And if I lose, at least I tried!

(We) We are the new diabolic(
We) We are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life, you can have it
(We) We are the pulse of the maggots

(I won't) be the inconsequential
(I won't) be the wasted potentialI can make it as severe as I can
Until you realize you'll never take a stand
(It isn't) just a one-sided version
(We've dealt) with a manic subversion
(I won't) let the truth be perverted
And I won't leave another victom deserted

(We) We are the new diabolic
(We) We are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life, you can have it
(We) We are the pulse of the maggots
(Do you understand?) Yes
Say it again, say it again(We won't die)

(We fight) 'til no one can fight us
(We live) and no one can stop us
(We pull) when we're pushed to far
And the advantage is, the bottom line is

(We never) had to fight in the first place
(We only) had to spit back in their face
(We won't) walk alone any loger
What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger

(We) We are the new diabolic
(We) We are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life, you can have it
(We) We are the pulse of the maggots
(Do you understand?) Yes Say it again, say it again
(We won't die)

Dacian (Darkness)

Pt. 1

Darkness, so dark....
Can’t see where to go.

So many Demons and figures laughing at my useless efforts to escape…
Then a hand reaches toward me,

Pulling me out.
Into the light where people are greeting me now,

Giving me apologies
About how they were sorry that they used to hate me.

Then back into the murky world of hate and abuse...
Praying for deliverance again

And receiving nothing but hate from the demons that have tortured me so.
But once again...

A light breaks the clouds and gives me hope...
And again I fight to hold on
For the good still left in this twisted world of hate.

Pt. 2

Drop me,
Don't carry me any longer.
Save Face...
Speak thy name

All I can imagine is the stars,
And the forest coming alive,
Taking pieces of my flesh...
I beg of thee, Consume.

I want to be decresed before you...
Let me die, I must be defeated.
I need to be destroyed beside you...
Thine Blood be depleted

I hold my wrists out,
Speak MY name,
"Dacian..."
And forever darkness reign!

Saturday: A Goodbye

2004-11-13T15:30:00.000-08:00

If you haven't noticed, I don't have any REAL life. All I have is the internet...where people can accept me for who I am based on my personality. Today isn't about me, it's for one of my best friends, I've ever had. She's decided to not be on the internet for a long time. It may not seem like much to the normal person, but to an internet Junkie, it's like they moved away.

Swished, Spit...and yet again swallowed by the darkness

Cursed Grave

I was laid to rest by my children.
Finally put inside my place.
I am still asleep today.
In the shallow, unmarked grave…

At times I wish I could escape.
If I could only open the door,
I have wanted to crawl out.
And again become even more.

But at other times I am at rest.
Glad to never be able to rise.
So I just sit and wait,
For the day that I am ready to decide.

Today is the day I understand.
Today I want to break my slumber.
The veil is now lifted,
And the curse broken asunder.

The hunger is still here.
I am still alive.
But now, I crave blood.
Something is different this time.

The Curse had not been in vain.
They still found a way to entrap me,
With my thirst that cannot be trained.

"This is it, This is it. We've got something to say. Release this, Condemn this, Damn this. We'll be heard anyway."

2004-11-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

I was woken up by mom again today, had to fix some things on my tests. Spent about an hour sleeping after that, and then finally got up and fixed them. After that, I got up, got on the computer. I know, not much difference in the other days, huh? Well, I am what I am. And unless you missed it, I am nobody.

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Aya and Tigress...oh and GG too. J/k Griffion. *Rolls eyes*

Crushed

This is what holds me,
Clings me down and holds me still.
But it is not going to last forever...
I never stay ill.

Prod the blood straight from my head,
See my pain, See the torment...
Cry with me through my worst of days.
I can't help but bite my lip,

My heart burns,
My eye balls fill with pus.
Crushed in loss of hope.
Held under by doubt.

Tears are my metophorical restraints
Live and let die,
Blow in these lungs, help ressessitate...
My body to retaliate.

What have I become?
A monster that will never be seen...
Never learning to speak.
And certainly not loved.

Old CD Day

2004-11-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

Had an ok day today. Woke up somewhat early. And like everyother day, got on the computer. And here we are. *Shakes head*

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Doris and Stevie again. It was really good to talk to Stevie again, been....lets say awhile since I had seen her online. "This is how you remind me, or what I really am."

Change Means Pain

As I sit here…
Dwelling in my fears.
I think about every time…
I lost one of my tears.

As I lie here,
Pondering my dreams.
My projections of you remind me…
That not everything is as it seems.

I am searching,
Just as I have time and time before.
I have found nothing…
Nothing but my cold floor.

How can I live with this?
How can I live without you?
Will it all go away?
You will never love me…
Like the way I love you.

There’s not life for me…
I wish that you could see,
That this is the only way.

There is nothing more
That I would want then to stay…
But to live,
These things must change.

So many things have happened for us to forgive.
Too many thing to let go, to live and let live.
But I will still remember, I will never forget.

I just walk away…
I must to replace my sadness.
I must be on my own.
I must give into the song…

"Che Ah Che Ah Che...READY!"

2004-11-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up before Noon today. I'm proud of myself for such a great leap....But then I feel asleep and slept til 2. V_V I've been on the comp, seriously most of the day since I woke up. OH! But I got to talk to someone I've been talking to online, on the phone today. Actually several people. lol. Talked to GG, Tigress, and others so far. Had no supper, might go make a Hot Pocket, we'll see.

Highlight: Talking to a couple friends on the phone for the first time. :D

Chain Reaction

Sorrow is the default of out hearts.
We feel it always,
Even when we don’t want to feel anything at all.

Some are the ones that are fortunate.
We know what to do with the pain.

Because Sorrow creates anger,
And Anger creates Rage.

Instead of hurting,
We hate.

Even if there isn’t anyone to hate,
We lash out…at the ones that love us the most.

Our family,
Friends,

They are all in danger to our pain…
They are in danger of our anguish.

And from then on,
We try not to get close.

So we won’t hurt another,
So we won’t hurt a lover.

"Though not my fault, you made me feel, that my education wasn't good to him"

2004-11-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

Today wasn't that bad, I woke up easily. But now that I actually think about it, that was the only part of my day that was easy. I had to take several tests for my school work today, and didn't have much to eat at all.

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Da and Hota. That always at least makes part of my day shine through the darkness.

Body and Soul

Are you Ready?!

Broken Bones,
Broken Tones.

Twisted Spine,
Unraveled twine.

Where is this going?
Is it me? Or is it not flowing?

When in there, I felt the air.
But when in here, I felt cold and bare.

I see it now,
Now I feel it!

From Heaven to hell
Nothing is left,
So there is nothing to tell.

So can you take this?
Or can you fake this?
Surviving is the only action I wish.

And now I break the skin…
I’m lucky that my soul is a perfect fit.
I take this hit by hit,
Just to receive you bones in the sift.

"All that I wanted, is things I had before, all that I needed, I never needed more"

2004-11-02T23:48:00.000-08:00

Today, I woke up early and just layed there until my buzzer went off. For the first time, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was going to be a good day. Got up..did my homework which tuned out to be very easy. After that, I got on the computer and checked my forums to see if anything was going on. Talked to my friends on there until a couple of my friends got on, one which I've seen on the forums for several years now. We started talking over Messanger maybe a week ago, and I think she's one of my closer friends. I don't know if she thinks of me as a close friend, but frankly, I don't care. lol, j/k.

And then, later my...I guess it's ex girlfriend got on, and I got to talk to her, which really made my day. I hadn't really talked to her since we broke up. I still like her a lot, probably even love. But, I won't let that bother either of us, as long as she's happy with whoever she is with, I'm happy.

Highlight of the Day: Talking to Da again. :D

"We never had to fight in the first place, We only had to spit back in their face, We don't walk alone any longer, what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger!" - Slipknot - Pulse of the Maggots

Blind

At a time where I was blind,
A love that was unknown shined.

I am not sure why it was unseen,
The only way to hope was to be someone that I wasn’t.

Past is what is lost, no one to tell.
For we would be lost without our sense of smell.

I wish I could go back,
To change an opportunity that I lost…

Where did I go?
Into the winds.
My personality was lost while making my mends.

And in the place of myself…
Is a person of sorrow?
I’m lost in the dark.
No line to follow.

Only one place to seek comfort.
Only one place to release fear…
In the arms of my God.
In this puddle of tears…

The Look Into The Future!!!!

2004-11-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

Today, this isn't a post. lol. It's more of a follow up to my last post that I said I was going to post a second time, but decided not to. What am I doing today? Nothing. I'm going to be home alone...again, and watch some TV.

Highlight of the Day: I just got up...nothing has happened...GET OFF MY BACK!

Black and White

Is there more to life…
Then what’s wrong or right?
Or am I just stuck in middle?

I’m on the line,
Where I feel like I can die.
You want to feel the same?
Would you like to have a taste?

I’m trapped in the middle…
Of the war of truth and lie.
Can I, how could I escape?
Should I still try?

Each side is pushing me.
They’re pulling me.
They’re pushing me.
Stop them please…please…

They both want me…
To side with them.
How can I decide who wins?

There isn’t a gray.
What should I say?
Tell me which to pick…
Black or White?

This war has sparked my very existence.
Without it I wouldn’t be here.
Spawned my White,
But driven by Black.
My lies will be redeemed.

Tell me the truth.
Why do I wrestle both?
I should pick White right off…
Help me with the decision.
My answer is gone and lost.

A little different Pt. 1

2004-10-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't written in a couple days, I'm going to just write 2 in one day.

So far, the day has been crap. It's raining...which makes me feel like I'm falling down to earth like the droplets.

Listening to: Course of Nature - Wall of Shame

"Sit inside your wall of shame,
Nothing even matters,
Can you say that I'm to blame"

"You Do! You Don't! You Do! You Don't...That's ok."

2004-10-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

Woke up today, first thing that was on my mind was the same question that I had the night before, will my dad pick me up? Well, it turns out he didn't, I wish I would have known where my phone was so I could have called him.

The rest of the day was either School or watching TV. Felt good to stay off the computer for most of the day, but not THAT good.

Beyond

My fear is gone.
And all my hope is lost.
All I have left is what I see…
What I feel in my dreams.

My flame is once again ignited,
And the blood again runs deep.
My torch is rekindled,
And my passion is awoken from its sleep.

I am now above the pain,
That used to strike me to the ground…
Bleeding me from my face.

The only fear I have now,
Is if I slip back into the beyond.
Will I return to the gates of hell if I falter?

This is the fear that gives the immortal man wings.
Not the fear of death,
Or the fear of being left alone to die.
Or any other of life’s trivial things.

But if I can put that behind me,
I wish to again see the light of day,
To feel the warmth of a loved one’s embrace…

And again,
I get a taste of that terrible illusion.
Love

TWO Nasty Suppers

2004-10-21T23:56:00.000-07:00

Like many other days, I was woken up by my mom giving me pills, although I could live without them for more then a couple hours. I got up, did 12 pages of homework, did nothing. It'd be cool to hear an old friend call me, but it's obvious that part of my life is dead and burried. If they could have only seen that I had survived and stayed myself...

I got up, and started my way to the computer. Got on for a second, no one was on to talk to, so I went back to sulking in my bed; Took a test. Mom got home, made chilly after I already had a Frozen Taco. Went back upstairs and watched some TV, Sulked some more, and about to go to bed.

Be Me

See what I have seen.
Understand everything I knew.
You’re not the first one to want it.
But something told me to show you.

It would be so much better.
I need you more then I ever have.
I need your love, your touch.
Come and find me if you can.

Come out, Come out,
Wherever you are.
Breathe through my lungs.
Let the people stare at you with my scar.
Just try and imagine,
What it would be like being me.
Live my life for those months.
Then see if you are screaming to flee.

It’s not that hard to live in my shoes.
But it’s hard to live with my life.
Hold on to my memories for a day,
And see if you wish you were still alive.

Wed Nes Day

2004-10-21T00:07:00.000-07:00

Did nothing today, NOTHING BUT 1 TEST AND 13 PAGES OF HOMEWORK!!! XD Later, watched Ghost Hunters, learned nothing new, but proved my sad knowledge or the Supernatural to myself.

Awoken Scars

These scars once again reappear.
They will not stay away,
Or go away after time.
They only exist to show the outcome of their crime.
I scrub, and I scrub.
But I do not alter the paintings of torment.
After all I went through,
The cuts and broken bones are not avenged.
The battle is over,
But the marks will always be.
And after all of this effort.
These awoken scars will always be a part of me.

The Day with the Headache

2004-10-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

Ever since this morning, I had a headache. Started to feel better, and then I took my Vitamins. The ones I take have a Nausia Effect, and I got sick. Ever since then, just kind of felt like crap. It's now 9 and I just got my Ibuprofen for my headache. Not one of my better days.

Highlight: Hearing Da had a good day and is feeling well.

Armagiddion

I have to watch where I walk.
Afraid to fall again.
Darkness can’t brighten the night shine…
And light can’t dull the blade of the sun.

Crimson moon,
Red with blood.
Lost love ones,
Found, but never lost.
Just trapped under the ice…
Stricken with fear,
Of being forgotten in the frost.

Blackened Sun,
Covered with soot.
Holds the souls of the lost,
They will never get loose.
Held by the dust and ash.
In the atmosphere…
Always wanting out,
And only I will leave at last.

Take Care…
For the sun is gone and the moon is cursed.
You are pulsating within,
And your heart is about to burst.

The Day The Earth Froze To Death...

2004-10-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Unlike other days, I woke up today because I was freezing. The temp dropped something like 30 degrees over the previous. Spent the entire day on my computer. My mom brought me home some Arby's for supper. We eat out a lot, so even I'm surprised that I'm not fatter then I already am.

Highlight of the Day: Talking to person who I really apreciate. She's the closest I've ever been to anyone. Da Qiao aka Ling Xiaoyu.

Alone

So…Why do I see,
These Demons running free?

They always knew me ways,
And completely take my race.

Now I am the only one to remain,
Driven to the edge of being insane…

I feel alone at all times,
If I stand tall, my heart still cries.
For these times are like a hidden lie.

I guess I will never find,
This pain I hate inside,
Never being able to shine.

So, is this my destiny?
To forever feel this misery?
And none will let me see.
If so, just let me be…

Hey looky! There is a duck on my glass!

2004-10-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

Now then, my day went ok, I guess. Was almost De-Moded at my forum today, but instead was just put on probation for something I didn't do in the first place. It's not having the charges dropped, but it's certainly the lesser evil of the two.

Something different, I spent a night with my family. We went out to eat, and then came back here and watched a movie. Then I watched some TV, and that's it. But! It was something different. Remember this, because it won't happen that often.

A New Plan

Black and Red...
Is the figure I came up with.
The two colors that will lead you into death.
Ironically, the very same colors of a sun set.

Black and Blue...
The same colors that came from a bruise,
Are the ones that you must find in you.
Before you can say that I changed into something new.

I know you think I can't relate,
That it's nothing I could face.
I know exactly how you feel,
The pain is just too real...

A chance for a new me dawns,
Another place to fail to you,
How can I change what is meant to be?
A new "I" is spawned.

So what is the price of this wish?
It can't be free of charge...
There has to be some kind of catch,
Reveal your demented twist.

You expect me to just stop everything?
To just make a new plan for my life.
Well, you were right. Because something is better then nothing,
Even if it is something worse.

Such a Great day!!! rolls eyes

2004-10-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Woke up by my mom, took pills. That just sounds like the start of a great day, isn't it? Well, I woke up, but that doesn't mean I got up. Layed around till something like 12...and then got up and got on the Internet. Stayed on there till about 3, got something to eat. Getting better?! No...I had a Carb Countdown Smoothie. As I said yesterday, my life is VERY intresting. Got back on, got in a fight at my favorite Message Board, and realized that fighting with someone that is nothing, is pointless.

Highlight of the Day:...The fact that I layed around till 12...Duh.

All of History

The world will be the pit of pain,
For the lonely and the vein.

I think of others instead of thinking of myself.
The darkened hole that consumes my happiness reawakens.

Death and destruction doesn’t seem so unfamiliar now.
Soon the world will have nothing and will bow.

While some sit back and wonder why,
The powerful will wipe the blood from their hands,
Just having to do it again, very soon, often.

Then all will end, as society comes crashing down,
We will frown, feeling sorry for ourselves
We will look to a God.
Just like we always do if something bad happens.

Some with this religion, others with another.
If you don’t believe any other time, why even bother?

Faith is something that the weak have, and wants to share.
But the strong think that they are too good for God.
And how ironic that it will soon be their down fall.

Well, Like the old saying goes…
You reap what you sow.
And now you know….

First Day

2004-10-15T01:30:00.000-07:00

This is my first day with posting...and it's about a normal day. If you actually read this, you'll notice that just about nothing happens in my life. Also if you read this, you obviously have little happening in your life too. But don't worry, you're in good company. ;)

Now then, let's get started. Nothing is happening to me now, but several worth documented events have happened recently. I found someone who sees me for who I am, and likes me for who I am. If you don't know me..at all, you don't know how big of a deal that is. Not because I'm not worthy of being seen in that way, but because I always thought I wasn't. That's one...and as I said, my life is boring, there isn't anything else that has happened.

A World of Pain

Another Vision of Death flashes before my eyes.
All The sickness,
All of the lies.
Waking me,
Beating me...

And when I awake up from this Nightmare...
I wake up in the woods, Cold and bare.
All alone,
Afraid of being Alone...

And When I return,
To my home of pain and Burning.
I start to be scared again,
Scared of my life again...

And I realize its time to fight,
To stand up with Ancestial Might!
Suiting up,
Getting ready to Stand up!

And once again, I have an epiphany.
And see that there was never an enemy.
And go back to the life of pain,
Back to the inner pain...

Tomorrow: Little + Another Poem